When is enough enough?

[Mykidsmom]

You've gotta do what you have to do when your a parent, unfortunately it means being put out sometimes. Tell her what you can do and what you can't, and she will just have to live with it. But if you're not available who will she turn to for help and would that be ok for your kids? I don't know what it would be like in this situation, so you need to do what best for you. Good luck.

[txdukklr]

Lots of good advise so far. Just gotta use which ones apply to your situation.

I'm 2 1/2 years post divorce and still going through some of that, but it has gotten a lot better. It really P'd me off at first because I was bitter. Once that left and I could see clearly I realized that when those situations came up I had to stop looking at it as I was doing something for her, I was doing it for my kids. I did explain to her that no notice was not acceptable, however I still jumped when needed .... for my babies, not her.

It's tough, and as was said before by another, I have canceled, rescheduled and missed many events, trips, whatever due to her lack of planning. But, none of those things compare to more time with my kids. My little ones are 7&8. I also have a 14 year old. My 14 has taught me how busy their lives get with HS sports, friends, etc., so I take advantage of EVERY opportunity to spend time with them while theyre little. 10 years from now my "nest" will be empty, I'll have my time then!

Excellent advice

It almost seems like some just enjoy pushing her buttons.

The key to post divorce success is indifference. Just like when you married her, she's not perfect and she's going to make mistakes. The key is recognizing what's worth escalating and what's worth blowing off. Chances are, unless she's a crackhead or outlaw, most stuff can be blown off. When they can no longer get a rise out of you (the mad kind), they become powerless where you are concerned.

In my world, 98% of what my ex does is of no consequence to me. If she breaks the law (as far as I know she doesn't), I'll treat her just like anyone else. If she's in a bad mood, I don't have deal with it. She's not my problem. I wish her the best and for the most part, I appreciate the good job she performs as mother to our children... but that's the end of it.

Questioning why she needs last minute assistance, considering legal action when she does and trying to log every transgression is a one way ticket to misery.

Work with her. Say "yes" a lot. Swallow that bitter response that serves no purpose other than escalation. It works.

If you empty your heart of all emotion where she's concerned you have amazing freedom. You can sit next to her at the play or ball game and it's no big deal. You can occasionally be at the same dinner table on a holiday and again it's no big deal.

Sure it's awkward at times but in the end it's a huge win for the kids. And that's all that matters.

there will be nothing more important then your kids know that while you were divorced that they were the priority and that regardless of comfort you put them first.

I can't give too much insight on my own thoughts because I have not been where you are but I would want my kids to grow up knowing I love them too much and went through a lot because I never reached the point of "enough is enough"- I believe the kids will eventually see that their mom puts everything else before her quality time with them.

Either way, good luck and hope you find that peace & joy that you seem to be searching for.

Great and let me tell you now that my kids are getting grown. They know . . . . even when they are small they are clear of whats going on. But their young minds do not have a clue how to interprit what they are hearing. Example:

Mom calls last minute and says can you take the kids, you say no i'm tired of you calling last minute. you and her argue, her intent is not to make you look bad but it's a conversation that happens in a house where she think a closed door is enough buffer.

kids are just outside and quiet because they know mom and dad are arguing and all they hear is "you really can't come get them I need help"

Not your fault
Not her fault

reality that you'll need to work through. Unless it was a major issue I always said yes and with a 13 through 24 they know I was there every time it was needed and that I always wanted them. It makes a difference in how they feel about me and their mother.

[sharkhunter]

Your a parent not a baby sitter. When enough is enough you'll know.

[iamntxhunter]

I don't think he has a problem doing anything she is asking of him, it is the fact that she is being selfish and manipulative with the short notice crap. If truth was known I wouldn't be a bit surprised she is doing things spur of the moment for herself.

Do what you need to do for the kids as you will be shipped out soon enough and in the end it will work itself out.

[Legdog]

I don't think he has a problem doing anything she is asking of him, it is the fact that she is being selfish and manipulative with the short notice crap. If truth was known I wouldn't be a bit surprised she is doing things spur of the moment for herself.

And the answer is, "who cares"?

Her motives (good or bad) should not matter.

[Shane]

Why does it have to be a big war? If I were in your shoes, I'd love extra time with my kids too - just like you do. I'd also be annoyed by lots of last minute requests for help. I would sit down with her and tell her that I am happy to help her with the kids any time I am able to. I would also tell her that it is sometimes hard to do when the request for help comes at the last minute. I have a life and other responsibilities too. I'd talk to her about how I'd appreciate more warning or lead time. I understand that sometimes emergencies come along with little warning too, and I'll do the best I can to help with those. But there may be times when I just can't. Ask her to be considerate of your time as much as possible, and let her know you will do the same for her.

If you treat each other with respect, chances are much better that there will be fewer problems. All you can control is your end of the deal though. Do your best with that. Don't let the kids become the weapons in childish fights between you and their mom.

[Shane]

It almost seems like some just enjoy pushing her buttons.

The key to post divorce success is indifference. Just like when you married her, she's not perfect and she's going to make mistakes. The key is recognizing what's worth escalating and what's worth blowing off. Chances are, unless she's a crackhead or outlaw, most stuff can be blown off. When they can no longer get a rise out of you (the mad kind), they become powerless where you are concerned.

In my world, 98% of what my ex does is of no consequence to me. If she breaks the law (as far as I know she doesn't), I'll treat her just like anyone else. If she's in a bad mood, I don't have deal with it. She's not my problem. I wish her the best and for the most part, I appreciate the good job she performs as mother to our children... but that's the end of it.

Questioning why she needs last minute assistance, considering legal action when she does and trying to log every transgression is a one way ticket to misery.

Work with her. Say "yes" a lot. Swallow that bitter response that serves no purpose other than escalation. It works.

If you empty your heart of all emotion where she's concerned you have amazing freedom. You can sit next to her at the play or ball game and it's no big deal. You can occasionally be at the same dinner table on a holiday and again it's no big deal.

Sure it's awkward at times but in the end it's a huge win for the kids. And that's all that matters.

Excellent post.

[dpatterson1976]

i'm going to be in the minority

go get your kids. . . . . as a child from a broken home and a Father of kids in a broken home i honestly never say no if I can.

No comes out when I can't. If yall were married you'd be equally yoked to those kids . . . . being divorced shouldn't change that.

but that's not going to be a popular answer

x2

If my kids were involved it would be very hard to say no.

tough situation...

[glen]

Just go cherish every xtra minute you get with your kids. Either that or raise a fuss and see them only when the agreement has in it. Pick your battles and only fight ones with benefit if you win

[baitcaster2009]

I would start documenting it all and fight for full custody. If that's not an option then do like atfulldraw said. It was the only way I was able to convey the message to my ex

This exactly get a journal and document every call and every time you pick them up and how long they stay with you. If they are with you for the majority of the time I would fight for full custody with the documentation.

[keep]

It's a terrible situation you're being forced to spend more time with your kids the divorced papers say you should have to.

I hate to be a butt here but go pick up your freaking kids and enjoy them and let them know that one of their parents is willing to give up plans to a show to spend time with them rather than make them feel like they are an inconvenience. (as their mother is doing)

I'll tell you this from two sides 1) a parent that gets probably 50% of the time with his daughter and wants more but the courts won't allow it. That situation makes all time precious because you don't miss time with them till you can't have it
2) from a guy that grew up not getting to see his dad because of custody papers and would have spent any and all time with him given the chance, not just 6 weeks a year.

These kids will remember who wanted them and for what reason when they get older and it will mean the world to them, trust me. (even though I couldn't I do remember dad doing everything possible to see me)

Years down the road you'll have time for all that trivial crap like shows, hunting and earning money, remember sometime towards "the end" you won't be able to get extra time with them and wish you had taken every chance to be with them.


GO GET YOUR KIDS!!!!

[coonazz]

Exactly what Keep said!

[brandon123]

This is a VERY hard situation and unless you are IN IT...you really cannot accurately answer those original questions or know how you would react or feel. I am in this VERY same deal. I have been divorced for almost 1 year now. I have twin girls, ages 5. I raised those girls...hunting, fishing, always being outdoors. They cry most days when I have to return them to their mother and that, my friends, is hard. They cry because they don't want to go back. My ex-wife is using me too. I am now to a point, that I must deny doing her favors. At first, I saw it as extra time spent with my kids. Now, that my eyes are open, I am really doing nothing but hurting the kids. Saying No, standing up for yourself, in a loving-manner of course, will force the mother to "grow a pair" and begin to be a mother and take responsibility. If I keep catering to her, she never has to step up and grow up. I love my kids more than anything and I ask for them, during my off times, etc. and we have a super awesome relationship. I do, however, document each and every time I do something for her, on her time. I have a feeling I will need it later.

Something else that I think folks on here are not considering, is what happens when the Dad finds love again? I am also in this situation. I have found, finally, the woman of my dreams. The way our Lord has joined us, has opened my eyes spiritually. I finally now know, what the Father meant when he said "put Me first, then your wife, then your kids." I now know and fully understand how that works and what joy it brings to all things actually doing that. In my previous marriage, I loved my kids waaaaaay more than my wife. I got no respect, appreciation and it eventually killed the marriage, along with unfaithfulness sprinkled in, etc. I agree with those that say to GO GET YOUR KIDS WHENEVER ALWAYS NO MATTER WHAT...but those that have a new significant other, must take a step back and analyze. My future wife comes first, over my kids. If my ex calls asking for something crazy...I can say no and feel ok about it. I no longer am worrying about just myself...I have someone else now to pamper and take care of...a new awesome person in my life that I always think about, etc.

In closing....get your kids when you can. I do mine and I truly think they will see my love for them as they age. Don't let your ex rule your world just because she knows you will feel bad declining her request for help because they are YOUR kids. Always put your wife, significant other FIRST, then your kids. Force your ex to step up if she isn't providing for your kids they way you think she should. Divorce isn't easy, but it can work. Your kids don't stay little forever and they will soon grow up and have a voice about their future. Kids are vulnerable but very, very strong. Avoid fights because at this point, they are meaningless. Have faith and turn to the Lord for help...I had to...I couldn't do it on my own. My eyes and heart have been opened up so wide to see things clear now. I have a path. Love on your kids when you have them. They feel it.

Best of luck to you sir!