Clean jokes please?

[Texasgirl88]

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a hilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife cried, "What are we going to do?" "Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

[keatonskidmore]

i'm glad this thread got brought back up.

lets keep them coming!

[The "Juan" 12]

There is some dandy jokes on hear...
Omg yall wanna hear the funniest joke ever.......











Politics.

---------------------
"Fear not, for I am with you;
Do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my victorious right hand."

[badcompany409]

cleanest one I got.



A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"

hillarious

[quickstrike]

I don't know if this one been told before:

A guy from Missouri got in trouble and got sentenced to prison for a few years, well the guy and his father started to write each other and talk about a lot of things and they become closer then they ever had. Well the father sent a letter to his son in prison and said " son I wish you was here to help me this year with planting the crops I am just getting to old to disc the fields up. The son then sent a letter back and said dad don't worry I will take care of everything and you will be able to plant the crops this year I promise. The father replied back well how are you going to do that from prison. And the next letter the son sent his dad said well you could go and dig up them guns I have hidden in the field and sell them. Well the dad sent a letter back and said well I just got a visit from the FBI and they said they received info from the letter that there was hidden guns on the farm, the father said they where more then welcome to look and dig up where they wanted, well after a week pass the FBI found no guns and the father had his fields ready to plant cause of them tearing the ground up looking for the guns. The son wrote back and said don' worry about it dad everything is taking care of and I am in the hole for a few months cause of the lies but you can now plant the crops this year.

[txrdkng]

A young man goes door-to-door inquiring about odd jobs to make a bit of money to go to school.

A man, impressed with his initiative, hands him a bucket of paint and a brush and tells him that if he goes aroung back and paints the porch he will give him $100.

The young man was tickled to death, and marches off to earn his money. In very short order the young man again knocks on the door and announces that he is finished. The homeowner is very surprised...the porch runs across the entire back of the house. However, he takes the young man on his word and hands him the $100.

The young man thanks him and then tells him "Sir, you have been very generous and I don't want to embarrass you but that isn't a Porsche. Its a Lexus".

[westguy76]

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing
some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.
Shoulda bought a hat."

[JCroft11]

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't
have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying man told you I was speeding too.

[JCroft11]

While walking along a beach, a man finds a lamp and rubs it off. A genie appears and offers to grant the man one wish. The man replys, "What about three?" The genie retorts " Look pal, I'm in a hurry, I've been cooped up in that lamp for. . ." "OK, alright" the guy responds. "Tell you what, I'm tired of paying for airplane tickets to Hawaii. I'd like you to build a bridge from California to Hawaii." This really upsets the genie. He screams, "Hey, this isn't the movies. Your wish has to be practical. Do you know the engineering it would take to design that, the materials it would take, you'd have to compensate for plate techtonics, the continental shelf. . ." "Geez" the guy responds, "Well, I'd really like to understand women." The genie responds "Did you want two lanes or four? "

[JCroft11]

What do you call a woman with one leg?
- Ilene
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting on your front porch?
- Matt
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?
- Bob

[thezimtex]

Given the restrictions:

Two cows are grazing in a pasture. The first cow turns and says, "Ya hear about that mad cow disease?" The second replies, "What do I care? I'm a helicopter!"

[bgrem]

j criddy.. yo is funny... bet you have some good dirty joke .... I sitll have your clubs

[fox1]

A blonde calls her husband at work

Blonde" Honey im trying to put this jigsaw puzzle together but none of the pieces are fitting no matter what i do."

Husband " What is the picture on the front of the box? "

Blonde " Its a picture of a tiger."

Husband " Sweetheart put the cornflakes back in the box."

[DawgOnIt]

A blond goes to her doctor complaining that it hurts anywhere that she touches herself. She proceeds to demonstrate and touches her head, shoulder, hip, etc..., always saying "ouch"! Doctor gives a quick exam, and states "just as I expected, your finger is broke."

[progater]

What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?
The good ol' boy raises livestock.
The redneck gets emotionally involved.