Clean jokes please?

[AntlerCollector]

Did you know French fries where not originally fried in France?




They were fried in grease!

[Booner Sooner]

Tag!

[Pullersboy]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi.
Cabbie says, "Perfect timing. Your just like Frank".
Passenger:Who?
Cabbie: Frank, Frank Fieldman. He;s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like me coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank all the time.
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody".
Cabbie: "Not Frank, he was a terrific athlete".
He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pro's. He sang like an opera baritone, danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special".
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer, he remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with".
"He could fix anything. Not like me, I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Frank could do everything right".
Passenger: "Wow, some guy".
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them".
"But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong, and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too- He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake, No one could ever measure up to Frank".
Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?
Cabbie:"Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife!"

Pure greatness!!!!! LMAO!

[DaveS903]

One day a crusty ol' Navy Chief company commander was notified that Seaman Recruit Jones' mother had died. He was tough as nails on the outside but, in truth, had a big heart. He struggled with how to break the news then it came to him - the perfect way to let him know. He called all the recruits into formation, cleared his throat and said, "Ok, all you miserable maggots who's mother is still alive, take one step forward! Not so fast Jones."

[tmstuk]

A pirate was being interviewed by a reporter. The reporter remarked on the pirates eye patch, hook hand, and peg leg and then asked about each one individually.
Reporter: Your leg....what happened to your leg?
Pirate: One day I was swimming in the ocean and a shark bit my leg off so I got a piece of wood and whittled it down into a peg and attached it to my leg. It's my peg leg.
Reporter: That makes sense. What about your hand? What happened to your hand?
Pirate: One day I was in a sword fight with a rival pirate and he cut my hand off so I got this hook and attached it to my wrist.
Reporter: OK. That makes sense. Now what about your eye? What happened to your eye?
Pirate: One day I walked outside and looked up just in time for a sea gull to poop in my eye.
Reporter: That doesn't make any sense at all! Sea gull poop caused you to loose your eye?
Pirate: Not exactly, it was my first day with the hook.

[Backwoods101]

A pirate was being interviewed by a reporter. The reporter remarked on the pirates eye patch, hook hand, and peg leg and then asked about each one individually.
Reporter: Your leg....what happened to your leg?
Pirate: One day I was swimming in the ocean and a shark bit my leg off so I got a piece of wood and whittled it down into a peg and attached it to my leg. It's my peg leg.
Reporter: That makes sense. What about your hand? What happened to your hand?
Pirate: One day I was in a sword fight with a rival pirate and he cut my hand off so I got this hook and attached it to my wrist.
Reporter: OK. That makes sense. Now what about your eye? What happened to your eye?
Pirate: One day I walked outside and looked up just in time for a sea gull to poop in my eye.
Reporter: That doesn't make any sense at all! Sea gull poop caused you to loose your eye?
Pirate: Not exactly, it was my first day with the hook.

Lmao!

[salth2o]

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?





One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.


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[MySRT8U]

A church is on fire, holy smokes!

[Thumper]

Cowboy walks into the drug store
Tells the clerk he needs to buy 3 condoms
Clerk say........

16yr old had his girlfriend promise him sex for their first time, she said to pick her up a 7pm Friday to meet her family and then they'd go to the drive-in.

Thur afternoon he stopped in at the drug store and told the druggist he needed a dozen condoms. The pharmacist chuckled and said he thought he needed a dozen too for his first time. But the young man insisted on buying a dozen as the druggist re-assured him he didn't.

The young man arrived at 6:45pm for his date with the girl of his dreams. He was ushered out on the back porch where her family was playing dominos and scrabble. At 10:00pm he was still busy playing dominos and scrabble with the family, at 11:00 pm he told her family he had to go because he had a curfew.

To say the least she was a little upset at her boyfriend and told him she couldn't understand why he would rather play dominos than take her to the drive-in. He promptly replied he couldn't understand why she didn't tell him her father was a pharmacist....

[Mac...]

What has 4 wheels and flies?


.

A garbage truck.

[Briar Friar]

cleanest one I got.



A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"

Im laughing… 10 yrs later. This one is gonna get commited to the memory bank.

Ill play.

How does an Ewok get to the store? He walks.
How does an Ewok cook? He woks.

[Stevo96]

Jim was a 65-year-old man whose wife had recently left him. He was depressed as to be expected, and after a few weeks, he was tired of feeling sorry for himself so he went to the local car dealership and traded in his old pickup truck for a brand new Corvette. After signing the papers and taking care of the financing, it was time for him to drive his new car off the lot. As he leaves the dealership, he gets out on the highway and decides to open her up. He easily hits 100 mph when he notices a state trooper sitting on the shoulder up ahead. The trooper hits his lights and pulls out on the highway behind Jim. Jim decides to have a little fun and downshifts the sports car's six-speed transmission. He easily hits 140 mph but decides he should pull over. Eventually, the state trooper catches up to Jim, and when he walks up to the car, Jim has his license ready to hand to the trooper. The trooper tells Jim, "Thank you for pulling over. Obviously, I pulled you over for speeding, but I'm curious why you were speeding and then drove faster there for a bit. It's almost time for my shift to be over, and if you can give me a good reason for driving so fast, I will let you go without a ticket." Jim is stunned so he takes a few seconds to reply. He said, "You see, sir, a few weeks ago, my wife of 40 years left me and ran off with a state trooper. When you started chasing me, I thought you were the trooper trying to bring her back to me." The officer calmly replied, "Have a good day, sir!"

[crittergetter76]

What's brown and sticky?


A stick!

[Gumbo Man]

So Thibideaux was the sheriff of his town and his best friends ( Boudreaux) wife had been missing for 3 days. Boudreaux’s wife was discovered floating dead in the bayou and Sheriff Thibideaux was the one that was going to have to give his friend the bad news. Thibideaux called Boudreaux on his cellular telephone and asked him where he was at. Boudreaux said that he was at Gotreaux’s Icehouse. Thibideaux walked in and said Boudreaux I got some good news and some bad news. Which do you want first? Boudreaux said give me the bad news first. Thibideaux said we found your wife floating in the bayou dead. After taking several minutes to get control of his emotions Boudreaux said well I can’t imagine any good news from this but let me have it. Thibideaux said well when we pulled her out she had 10 big blue crabs on her so we threw her back in and we gonna run her again tomorrow.

[Kas]

My wife said I need to get more in touch with my feminine side....



Sooo I wrecked the car.....



And stopped talking to her all day for no reason


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