Clean jokes please?

[150class]

hehe funny stuff

[westtexducks]

A Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub. They each buy a pint of beer.
Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!!!"

[jbassnman]

Three strings went into a bar and asked for a drink...the bartender said "Sorry we don't serve strings in here you'll have to leave". So they went outside started wrapping and tying all together and went back into the bar and asked the bartender again for a drink...the bartender looked at them and said " hey are you a string"?... they replied "Nope, frayed knot".

[JHT]

An Irishman (Shamus) came to the states on business but wanted to take in some Americana while he was here. A co worker suggested going to a baseball game is as American as it gets so they find some tickets and agree to go that evening.

By the time they pick Shamus up to go, he is completly bombed and the guys know they are in for a long evening.

The first pitch is thrown and its a ball. Shamus jumps to his feet and yells "Run ya dummy run!!"

Second pitch is thrown. Ball 2. Shamus jumps to his feet and yells "Run ya dummy run!!"

Third pitch is thrown. Ball 3. Shamus jumps to his feet and yells "Run ya dummy run!!"

At this point his co workers are embarassed from his yelling but know he is too loaded to try to grasp the rules of the game. They tell him to sit down and relax.

Fourth pitch is thrown. Ball 4. Batter is walking to 1st. "Run ya dummy run!!"

other fans have had enough. One of them turns back to Shamus and yells, "Hey dummy, he's got 4 balls, he doesn't have to run!"

Shamus's jaw dropps and sits down. Then he stands back up clapping and yell's out:



"Walk with pride me lad!"

[jpbruni]

A funeral procession is coming down the road. Out of nowhere a car pulls right out in front of the hearse. The driver slams on the brakes, the hearse spins out, does a 180 and the back door of the hearse flies open!

The coffin falls out and starts rolling down the street, it rolls through two intersections and then into a CVS Pharmacy parking lot. It then crashes right through the front doors of the pharmacy, rolls right up to the register and smashes into the counter. The casket lid flies open and the corpse sits straight up!

The cashier, in a state of shock; asks "Uhh, can I help you sir?"

The corpse replies "Yeah, have you got anything to stop this coffin?"

J.P.

[dangerous dan]

keep them comming

[Smell the Glove]

How do you find Will Smith in a snow storm? You look for the fresh prints

[flashof1979]

Old Age Versus Youth

An old retired fireman in Indiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old fireman decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.

why did i not think of this

[clintb]

Cowboy walks into the drug store
Tells the clerk he needs to buy 3 condoms
Clerk says no problem sir would you like a sack for that?
Cowboy says, Naw, she aint that ugly

[mrddye]

I rear ended a car today.
We pulled over to exchange information and to my surprise a dwarf was driving the other car.
He walks over with a ****** look on his face and says, "I am NOT happy."
I couldn't help myself so I said, "Well, which one are you?"

[Phi Phi Hunter]

An older couple go to the doctor for the man's physical. When he is done with the physical he asks the doctor if he can get a prescription for Viagra? The doctor says "you're in good health and have a good heart I don't have a problem with that." When he walks into the waiting room he's waiving the prescription and shows it to his wife whoe says "While we are here, I'm going to get a tetnus shot."

Old man: "Why?"
Old woman: " if you're going to start using that rusty thing...i'm going to need a tetnus shot!"

[Stoof]

If your ever attacked by clowns,
Go for the Juggler.

How many vegetarians does it take to eat a hamburger?
Only one if nobody is looking.

[Aggiehunter08]

A guy gets pulled over one night after leaving the bar. The cop walks up to his truck and asks the guy "Sir your eyes look glossy have you been driking tonight?" Without missing a beat the guy in the truck asks the cop "Sir your eyes look gazed, have you been eating donuts?"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Aggiehunter08]

Cowboy walks into the drug store
Tells the clerk he needs to buy 3 condoms
Clerk says no problem sir would you like a sack for that?
Cowboy says, Naw, she aint that ugly

Good one! LMAO!!!!!!

[treed]

A Cowboy Honeymoon
A cowboy and his new wife had just gotten married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night.
The man approached the Front Desk and asked for a room. He said, "This heerza special 'casion..... our honeymoon..... and we need a nice room with a good strong bed."
The clerk winked..... "You want the 'Bridal'?"
The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied, "Nope, reckon not. Guess I'll jist hold on to her ears 'til she gits used to it."