never good enough for him

[The "Juan" 12]

thanks stan r. i really appreciate that sir!!

[TXBlkCld]

Juan- I've lived this my whole life as well. At one point in time or another I have tried the "grow a pair" perspective and come to realize that I already had a pair and that's what led me to my crossroads. I then tried to talk to my dad about it and he didn't/wouldn't even hear me. In fact he gave me the "grow a pair" speech as well. It crushed me. I finally come to the realization that I was looking for approval in all the wrong places. I couldn't even get approval from myself and that just compounded my problem. Finally when I had no place else to look, I looked up. There was my answer. It had been there all along and what was wrong was my perspective. The only approval you will EVER need is that of Jesus Christ. The only words of approval you truly ever need to hear are "Well done my good and faithful servant." These are the words everyone should seek to hear from our heavenly Father. It took my younger brother dying in a tragic accident to change my dad's perspective and to give me his approval. The day he gave me those words, I couldn't hardly stand up and finish hearing them. It was the sweetest and most encouraging thing I had ever heard and the strange thing was that I could hear God speaking through my dad. To this day, I live my life to raise my kids as a better dad than my dad was. That's gonna be tough because he did a great job as is obvious that your dad has done the same. Take those lessons, remember them both good and bad, learn from them and pass them along in the day when you have kids. Don't hold I over your dads head bu at the same time don't live for his approval. You may never hear those words on this earth. The true words of approval are those we should strive to attain from our heavenly Father. On a side note, you will find yourself being attracted to women that will give you those words of approval and that's a good thing. God has blessed us with the softer hearted women to fill in our gaps and weaknesses. Cherish that woman when you find her. She's out there. You're doing a great job buddy and you can always come here to the campfire to get a good lifting up. There are many truly strong believers here to gve you encouragement and a good swift kick in the pants when you need to "grow a pair". God bless you buddy. Keep up the good work.

[kcmarullo]

all very good point's above I'm in both positions myself , now go make your life happen the way you like it you will be all right !!

[The "Juan" 12]

thanks alot txblkcld. means alot. i thank God everyday for just giving me another day, and i give all my glory to Him, for without Him i am nothing. i think He will help me out and get me through this hard time. and another helper is my girlfriend, going on a year now. she is very understanding and had always been theere to lift me up in rough times. i wouldnt want anyone but her to be by my side when things r tough because after all sometimes God has unanswered prayers and she is who lifts my chin up. once again, thanks, i really appreciate the input!

[lunatic'hunter]

Not until my dad got up in years did he see what he had done to his 6 sons. We were not his sons, we were his farm hands. Being the youngest kinda spared me from what my older brothers went thru. My oldest brother volunteered in the Army to get out of the farm. Wound up in the jungles of Vietnam instead. Always told us we would never amount to anything. Yes, he was rough, never satisfied. But he came up in a rough era. But thru the years the old feller mellowed put and heard these words from him, via my mom of course, "That he was proud of how I had turned out". I lost him 11 years ago and miss him dearly. Why? Because due to how he raised us I have passed on the work ethic and the worth of a man's word to my 2 sons. And I can tell them I love them everytime I talk to them. Continue looking upward, and keep moving forward. Best to ya young man.

[Bowanta]

Juan,

Been there done that. Just because you do not hear him say it does not mean it is not said to others. I too struggled with this my entire life. Always working my tail off to make sure my Dad was proud of me and what I did. I am sure there were times I did the "Stupid" things that he would just shake his head and say "What are you thinking?"
But I did find out later, after he passed away that there are many people that heard him say how proud he was of me and what I do/did.

My advice to you is take everything he has taught you and use it each and everyday to better yourself.
Please yourself and you will please your father. This is just my opinion, but one I truely believe as I have lived it. You have to please yourself and make yourself proud and everyone around you will be proud of you as well..

You do sound like a Stand Up Guy, continue that and you will succeed in life. With that success, you will find that everyone will WANT to be around you and each person will be proud of you, even you Dad.

Love him and let him know how you feel. Like it was stated before, sometimes the men of that generation do not speak the words we want to hear, but if you "LISTEN" to what they are saying, it is there.

Hang in there brother. It will all work out.
God Bless..

[TXBlkCld]

Make no mistake buddy, there is NO such thing as unanswered prayers. Sometimes it's just an answer we don't like such as "No" or even "wait". Both are answers but not always ones we want to hear.

[turkeylover]

I pray for you to have the right words to say when talking to your father about this. I'm so glad you opened up about this. From all of these posts, it looks like you're not alone. Pleasing our parents is one of the most important things in the world but can also be detrimental. You're a grown man, it's time to please yourself. Your dad will love you no matter what and probably have more respect for you if you lead your own life and not worry about what everyone else thinks.
Remember: no one makes us feel inferior without our permission.
You ROCK!

[Cur_Dog]

Sounds like you are doing very good for yourself and in life.

Be the best man you can be and be your own man.

Also, as your dad gets older he will change, all men do. There testosterone (sp) levels drop. They say they love you more and melow out a lot.

[Scout]

I bet he is the type of Dad who always points out the 2 or 3 things you could do better on the field, in the gym or classroom?

I have always been that way with my oldest son and one day he asked me on a road trip why I never point out the good things or tell him he did a great job. I thought for a minute and realized a few very important things:

1. The frontal lob of the male brain is not developed as a teenager (some female memebers here may say it never develops for some of us ), that is why they are teenagers (very generic here no time for details) so they do not hear or process things like adults do.

This is important to remember when you can't figure out why your teenager is doing the same thing over and over. LOL ( for your later use )

2. My son, as a lot of people do ONLY hears the negative in the conversation. I can tell him 5 things he did great at and 1 thing to improve on and 1 hour later his mom says what did Dad have to say and he only remembers the 1 thing to work on! Hence his feelings that I am always negative. Not saying this is your situation but think about it.

3. Remember there is NO book on how to raise kids, my Dad was not perfect but he loved me and did the BEST he knew how. I learned from that and am trying to do better for my boys and I hope they do the same. Remember this!


Try the if the shoe fits wear it. If he comments on something you are doing and you feel it applies use it, if not ignore it.


My moment of clarity:

Ok so to wrap this up, what I finally realized in the car with my son is that a lot of people coaches, teachers, bosses and ME as a Dad don't realize but, It is much easier to point out the 2 or 3 things that we see could be improved on then tell you the 50 things you are doing well! Backwards thinking YUP but trying to find the proper blend for each person is hard to say the least.

I am going to take a guess that your Dad coached you as a youngster? In my mind I can separate me the COACH and me the DAD - KIDS can't!

[VorTexan]

Man this thread has brought tears to my eyes! Such good advice but reminders to all of us as parents or son's of how important communication is for us guys...but it's not "manly" to talk about. I was really blessed with my dad but often feel I havn't lived up to the man he was but he is still proud of me...darnit crying as I type this!


Sounds like you hug him and tell him you love him a lot but have your really talked to him about this? Do it before it's too late. As said he probably is really proud of you he may not want you to start slacking if he tells you so (strange how us men think sometimes).

Wow. I need to go hug my dad today and maybe get him in his wheel chair as my mom can't do this and here I am si

[mikemorvan]

Brother, was there for many years. As the oldest of four boys, my dad rode me relentlessly for many years. My dad is now 85, and facing his mortality. He's said more than once thar he regrets the way he treated me. I can't add much to what BowVista said. I would ask you to learn from your experience. Don't make the same mistakes with when your son, or daughter for that matter, when the time comes. Listen to Jack Ingram's "Measure of a Man". It's a good song about this predicament. Good Luck brother. Someone else said it - Pray.

[6.8mmSPC]

I figure my dad did the same thing to me to make me work harder and become a successful adult. It only took me about 35 years to figure this out.

All of these helicopter parents who bow to their childs every wish and heap on praise when little Johnny poops can't seem to understand when their children grow up to be pieces of chit.

Jess

[txlawdog]

I'm just another poster in the crowd. As cliche as it may sound, fathers and mothers always want their children to have it better than they did. Sometimes they try to relive their lives through their children. That creates turmoil and resentment. Deep down he probably really knows how well you have done. You sound like you are trying to please everyone, can't do it. I lost my father at the age of 15 and I wish I still had my dad to ride my ***, maybe I would have done better, or maybe not. Be glad you still have him to gripe, comment, or vent about. We can't go back as much as I wish we could.
I never got to hunt with my dad, he was always working or out of town working. He got to hunt the year before he died and his mount came in so he could see it. It still hangs over the mantel in mom's den. She never remarried or dated, she had 3 kids and her parents to take care of.
I was with my son when he shot his first deer two years ago, he has shot two more since then and now is old enough to hunt his own stand. He now has a bow also, I miss him hunting with me. We still sit in the big stand some but I worry about and miss him when he sits in stand # 2. I remember the hug I got when we found his first deer laying in the woods, hard to hold back the tears when you get a hug from a 15 year old.
I don't know your whole story, but hang in there and go the way you think is best and I bet dad will be right behind you at some point, even if he is in the distance. Take care and let us know how that new bow works out,
Just another dad puting his .02 in..............................

[DeadeyeDeb]

Make your dad a scrap book of all your accomplishments. Leave blank pages for him to fill in.
Get point blank with asking him how he feels about your life and where it has gone and where it is headed. You have oyur head right, looking upwards and forward. Your heart needs encouragement, and that will need to come from your dad as your Father has it engulfed in His love.
Some parents (I dealt/deal with this from a mom/daughter perspective) just want your life to be better than theirs and to spare some of the heartache they went thru. Unfortunately, we all have to make our own mistakes at times along the way.
Talk frankly with your dad as if you do not, you will regret it forever.
You are doing a great job with your life, maybe so well, there may even be a bit of jealousy that it is better than his was (and what he truly wants for you) but will not be seen as such (jealousy). Let him know, without a doubt, it was him that has helped you to be the man you are today. His way of encouraging (though seen more as "not good enough") really is just that, encouragement--though in a way he was probably taught. Not the best way, but, the way he learned.
That is the purpose of the scrap book. For him to see how he encouraged you and how you listened and achieved.
The blank pages could be for him to put down how he encouraged you or would have liked to encourage you different, or in a more positive way than what he learned.
You may not see those pages used or filled, and you may. But not til after he is gone. But have the talk now, and give him the book. When that final day comes, you will both be better for it and you will have come full circle with learning/seeking answers. You will see his perspective and he, yours.
You do not need to grow anything except a willingness to open the communication channels that are too hard for him to do. Take the first steps, he will follow. In time. But he will.