major marriage problems, advice please?

[Shotgunner11]

Full disclosure here, I’m currently two weeks into my second marriage.

First one lasted 18 years, about half of them happy.

Just like you, when we first started having issues, I totally blamed myself. I took every ounce of the blame. That was 2011. We worked hard and tried hard to fix things and there were a few ok years in there, but the pain and issues lingered and eventually she decided she wanted a divorce.

I blamed myself, every ounce of the blame.

Took me a long time to realize and accept that it’s never really one sided, it’s percentages, might be 50/50, might be 80/20, but it’s never 100/0.

You see your weaknesses. GOOD! Awesome start. You’re going to do the marriage counseling route, also great.

Work on your marriage, work on fixing what you feel is broken and be open to the things that the counselor suggests. But also work on YOU. Not as a husband, but as an individual. Work on making yourself a full and complete individual.

If you have a good woman, and there’s love there, then there’s hope, but don’t hang your entirety on it. I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted in my life until it all fell apart. For me the divorce was a blessing, my ex is frankly a terrible person, but I was blind to it because she was my world.

Do your best, try to become better everyday, and take life as it comes.

[RascalArms]

^^^Good post^^^

Praying for you OP. I can tell you are in a lot of pain and commend you for wanting to stick it out. Just keep in mind that you can not change the past. Move forward....and do the BEST you can today brother.

[Texas8point]

Full disclosure here, I’m currently two weeks into my second marriage.

First one lasted 18 years, about half of them happy.

Just like you, when we first started having issues, I totally blamed myself. I took every ounce of the blame. That was 2011. We worked hard and tried hard to fix things and there were a few ok years in there, but the pain and issues lingered and eventually she decided she wanted a divorce.

I blamed myself, every ounce of the blame.

Took me a long time to realize and accept that it’s never really one sided, it’s percentages, might be 50/50, might be 80/20, but it’s never 100/0.

You see your weaknesses. GOOD! Awesome start. You’re going to do the marriage counseling route, also great.

Work on your marriage, work on fixing what you feel is broken and be open to the things that the counselor suggests. But also work on YOU. Not as a husband, but as an individual. Work on making yourself a full and complete individual.

If you have a good woman, and there’s love there, then there’s hope, but don’t hang your entirety on it. I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted in my life until it all fell apart. For me the divorce was a blessing, my ex is frankly a terrible person, but I was blind to it because she was my world.

Do your best, try to become better everyday, and take life as it comes.

[Atfulldraw]

The big question for me would be "can I live with someone I don't trust?"

If you are really "in" a relationship, none of those apps have any business on your phone.

I see married couples all the time with passwords on their phone, secret emails, secret app accounts and such....it's not something I can understand.


I wish you all the best.

[fbchunter]

Not sure what advice to give you, but I admire the fact that you are trying to change. I truly wish you the best and that your marriage will be saved. Prayers of strength, comfort, perseverance, and Gods supernatural guidance, protection, and provision in your lives. Also prayer for complete healing for your marriage. Praying all this through our mighty Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen

[deerplanter]

I didn't read thru all this as but I'll let you know a little of my story. My wife and I split for other reasons but it was still a split up. She filed for divorce and we both had lawyers. She moved out and I paid her a large sum of money but the divorce was taking a long time. In the mean time I was going to church in Baytown Faith family, sy the 8:30 am service and unknowingly to me my wife was going to the 11:30 service. To make a long story short I finally decided to just turn all over to God and I immediately found piece and 3 days later my wife sent me a text wanting to try and work it out. That was a little over a year ago and we are better than ever. If you would like to talk about anything send me a pm.

[Smithwr]

Lots of good advice here. The one that struck me the most was pray out loud, together, in your truck, anytime you can. I finally learned to quit asking god to fix my marriage but to show me his path to fixing it. I made a little prayer for him to turn on the flashlight and show me his path. And he sure did! Faith absolutely saved our relationship.

One other thing that may or may not need addressing. If there is ever booze involved, cut it out.

Praying for you and her as well to have open receiving hearts

[STX_Shooter]

I wish y’all the best, me personally if she a friend whispering in her ear and giving her a shoulder to cry on I would be gone. That’s just me I admire you for trying to make it work.

[cantexduck]

Not every couple is right for each other. People change. In not saying the OP and wife aren’t right for each other , in general it’s always do what it takes to stay together when in reality a lot of people are just postponing the split. If I saw a dating app on my wife’s phone , we are past fixing it. She checked out and didn’t tell anyone.

[hooligan]

The big question for me would be "can I live with someone I don't trust?"

If you are really "in" a relationship, none of those apps have any business on your phone.

I see married couples all the time with passwords on their phone, secret emails, secret app accounts and such....it's not something I can understand.


I wish you all the best.

I’ll send some prayers your way but I agree with the above. There is no reason to have any of those apps or passwords on phones. I wish I could do more than say a couple prayers for you but I’m not a trusting person. I believe in the idea that God forgives, I don’t. I’d have a lot of trouble changing myself for someone that was getting ready to step out on me

[Graysonhogs]

I’ll send some prayers your way but I agree with the above. There is no reason to have any of those apps or passwords on phones. I wish I could do more than say a couple prayers for you but I’m not a trusting person. I believe in the idea that God forgives, I don’t. I’d have a lot of trouble changing myself for someone that was getting ready to step out on me

Passwords on phones are fine. No reason the significant other shouldn’t be privy to the password though. Passwords aren’t to lock out the spouse, it’s all the others with nefarious motives in case your phone is lost or stolen.



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[bowhuntingw]

I thank you all for the support. yesterday was the darkest day of my families life thus far. it was very damaging and yet heeling all at the same time. me and my wife and my kids are scarred however. reality set in for everyone and I believe we are going to be OK only time will tell. We got see god work yesterday. I thank you all again.

[sotx]

Prayer
Don’t use godly advice to just save your family, you need to truly change and be the head of the house hold and show your family that you believe that you have failed at building the home around Jesus
You can’t do it alone, pray and start to truely turn you life over to him
Don’t read the Bible just to show your wife that you are unless you are wanting to truely change- she will read right through it- do it for yourself and your family

This 100% is the only way. No other advise on this screen means a dang thing if you do not give yourself to Jesus and let him lead you.

[jer_james]

I'm a firm believer in being the best version of you. Seems as if you have identified short comings, now you have to work at making sure those are replaced. It is about creating successful habits that will become who you are. You may not feel like it, or want it all the time, but you do it because you recognize that's the better way.

Make your mind up, and make a determination to focus on that decision. You will have down times, you will not be perfect. She will have down times, She will not be perfect.

DO NOT accuse or blame her. That is not your position. You cannot control what she does or how she reacts. YOU can only control yourself.

[125Dad]

Just me but I would walk/run away as fast as I can. Sorry but that's just me if she is not in it 100% your just putting off your happiness.

Good luck to you on which ever road you decide to take.