Is Hunting a want or a need? Advice needed please

[CMLambin]

I don’t know what to do. I have a deep, burning desire for adventure and exploring. Ever since I can remember I have dreamed of far away places with never before seen animals, camp fires, tall tails and interesting people. But at the same time I have an even greater passion. My family. I would do anything for them, so why does missing out on an adventure feel like my guts are being ripped out? I have a lump in my throat and my thoughts run wild.

Its not normal nor healthy I don’t believe. I have an amazing wife, two absolutely mesmerizing kids, and I feel like my world is crashing in. It’s just a stupid deer. Or is it more? I yearn for adventure…I yearn for competition…I yearn for a wife to understand that hunting and the adventurers spirit isn’t just something you can pick up and put down. It feeds my soul and brings my world into perspective as opposed to being, for lack of a better word, shackled in a mundane and domesticated life. I feel horrible even saying that because spending time with my family is invaluable and THE most important thing to me. But at the same time, I need to spread my wings sometimes too. But how much is enough? I should be grateful for what I have, but I cant help but think about those far away places and the primal instinct I have to chase the beast and try to capture their elusive spirit.

She must see how we as a family are happier when I have my “adventure tank” full. One of the only things we fight about is this. I don’t understand. You need more of me, and I need more adventure. So where does it go from here?

I don’t ask for much. Or do I? I don’t care for material things, I don’t drink, I don’t play golf, I don’t play poker, softball, or go out with the guys. I do have a tough work schedule for half the year, but I feel we both choose that lifestyle and would be less happy with a mundane 9-5 existence. But maybe I am wrong. Maybe it’s too much. I spend nearly every minute of every day with my family during the off-season. Cooking, cleaning, shopping, folding, bathing, reading, playing, soothing, hugging….but its never enough. You still feel overwhelmed and not helped enough, no matter if I am gone, or here helping with every minute detail. No amount of help or relief from me or anyone else can quench your desire for “help”. But am I the same way? Is my thirst for adventure unquenchable? I really don’t think so. I put away my hunting boots for 9 months out of the year and am fine with it. Hunting 10 days out of 365 doesn’t seem like an overreach to me. Would hunting all of a sudden become “A-Okay” if I did a real job and came home every night of the year at 5 pm? I don’t think so. How can a person be so supportive of one passion and give up so much to help foster that passion, yet completely shirk off another passion as if it is some trivial hobby? Does she not truly believe what it means to me, or is there just not enough support to go around to foster both? Do I have to choose a passion to have this work out? Do I have to stifle a part of me and just deal with an existence that doesn’t include a burning desire put into me, and most every man that has been in existence, by god? That type of life doesn’t seem fulfilling…but neither does having an unhappy wife. So why do I still feel sick?

Is it the devil? Is it an over bearing wife? Is it a combination of both? Is it a passion run amuck, bordering on an addiction? But an addict deals with his addiction every day of the year. My addiction is relegated to the weekends during the months of October, November, and December.

Is asking for one day for a hunt of a lifetime too much to ask? A three thousand dollar opportunity for the price of gas doesn’t come along very often. Neither does the opportunity to harvest the biggest buck of ones life for the price of gas. But are those two things worth more then a happy marriage? Of course not, so why can’t I just turn the page? Why can’t my priorities be in better focus? Is it going to take me losing some of the things I may take for granted now for me to realize? I don’t want that to happen…but not wanting that still doesn’t make me feel better.

If I go, she resents me. If I stay, I resent everything. Are there any other solutions? So for the rest of our married life, we will have to cross this treacherous bridge each and every hunting season? It’s a lose-lose for both sides. That doesn’t make sense nor does it seem fair to either party involved. So what’s the solution?

I DON”T SEE ONE…which makes my eyes well up with tears. -Chase



What do you think guys? Is hunting a need or just a want? Is it selfish to want/need to hunt even with a family that needs me?

Before you go telling me how mean my wife is or how awesome yours is because you get to hunt 90 days out of the year, know that there is a lot more to the story. We have two small children (3 yrs old and 11 month old), my wife does not work, we do not use day care, or a nanny, and have no family to speak of to help care for the kids. My job takes me away from my family for a total of close to three months during the spring and summer. Leaving my wife completely alone to care for our young children...which she is amazing at.

I also got to go on a 6 day hunting trip to Illinois in November, a weekend trip to South Texas in October, and was able to hunt every day over Thanksgiving on her family land while visiting her family. So it's not like I'm not getting to hunt at all.

Before you tell me to just "bring my family with me", 100% of my hunts are by invite, not allowing me to tote my entire family with me to the hunts.

I am asking for the advice of the elder statement on the green screen on how they balanced work, family, and hunting when their children were small.

Please do not chime in if you do not have children or are unmarried...I don't need to hear how much freedom you have...I used to have the same.

Any advice would be appreciated. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has been down this road.

Many thanks,
Chase





Sent from my iPhone

[tex4k]

You need to print this out, have your wife read it, then the two of you come to an agreement. No one here has the same perspective that you and her do.

[Kdog]

I think it would be helpful if you found a way to incorporate your family into it. You stated that is not possible, because your hunts are 100% invite only. Change that, get a good family lease to hunt on. This of course is operating on the assumption that your wife is open to that.

You can still do other hunts.

Main thing is though you need to talk to your wife about it and come up with a solution that works for both of you.

[cgny27]

You need to print this out, have your wife read it, then the two of you come to an agreement. No one here has the same perspective that you and her do.

Excellent advice...us knuckleheads can't give you what you need here...

Good luck!

[Stick-Launcher]

I'm not an elder, but I am 37 with a 3 year old and a 1 year old. I figured out that my wife resented the fact that I got to run off and go hunt while she had the kids. Her question was more of where is my time to pursue a hobby or have time to spend doing things she enjoyed with her friends that didn't involve taking kids with her.

This is what I have done that has solved the majority of the conflict. I give her breaks all year long. And I jump at the opportunity to give her a break. If she mentions something she wants to go do, I insist that she goes and does it. She may say "I'd like to go get a massage" - I make her go and I take care of the kids. And while she is gone I bathe and feed them.

It boiled down to me making a lot of effort to give her down time so that when hunting season rolled around she remembered all of what I had done for her.

CS

[TexasJim]

Chase pray with your wife and kids about the problem together. The Lord is awesome! Cut the invites down to places were your family can go. Kdog made a good point. Save a some on the side so you can get a lease that is family friendly. It is hard when you go from hunting all the time to hunting only a few weeks out of the the year. But if you spend those few weeks with your family at the ranch the rewards are unbelievable. Good luck to youll and may The Lord bless you'll in all you'll do!

[Limbwalker]

I am asking for the advice of the elder statement on the green screen on how they balanced work, family, and hunting when their children were small.

Well, you asked...

I too have an amazing wife and three of the most incredible kids a man could ever ask for. And I too - when I was younger - shared the same restlessness you have for the outdoors.

Looking back now, I realize how selfish I was and how much time I spent away from my wife and kids - when they were young - just so I could go exploring. I should have been exploring time with my kids instead.

It's something you can NEVER get back. Those kids will be gone before you know it, and then what will you have to show for it? A few deer or game animals you could still have killed once your kids were gone?

I look at the pictures of my wife and three kids at the zoo, or at the museums, or wherever they were when I wasn't there, and it hurts my heart because those days are gone forever.

Believe me when I say this - spend as much time with your wife and kids now as you possibly can. Go with them everywhere they want to go. Sure, see if you can take them with you fishing or hunting, but if you can't, then do something else with them.

Because I can tell you first hand, they are gone before you know it. Even if they still live at home, by the time they are teenagers, they are so busy with school activities and friends that essentially your time with them is very limited.

Get all the time in with your kids before they are teenagers that you can possibly get. If they will be seen with you after that, then spend time with them then too.

I wish someone had drilled this into my head when I was in my late 20's and 30's. I still have an amazing wife and kids, but I'm lucky she/they put up with me being gone as much as I was.

John

[Aversin]

I travelled a lot... I mean a lot when my kids were younger. One of the many issues way that my wife didn't see it as the same level of work as she was putting in, and honestly, it probably wasn't. So I did the same thing. I told myself that she and the kids were more important. That the woods will always be there. It was HARD. Still is sometimes. But, I have started to look at it differently, I started to discuss with her how important it is to me, how it helps me feel more complete. How this is something that I feel I need to pass on to the kids. How it makes me a better man, husband, and father. Even if I'm just camping or scouting, I feel better and more whole. It's not something she can provide normally would it be fair for me to ask her to fill this hole in my needs. So, after a lot of talking and many date nights we have worked it out. I take the kids into the woods with me OFTEN. It gives her some breathing room from them and helps me recharge. Sure, I may forego some hunts, but I find others. You sound like you really love your family and the woods. Share it with them. Start with small things like walks, scouting, camping. That way when these amazing hunts come along and they can't go with you they all (kids and wife) understand that feeling that you have. You can't expect them to support you unless you are willing to let them experience first hand. Good luck and keep them close.

[RR 314]

Tough situation. I commonly find myself at soccer games, sometimes painful charitable or board dinners, kids birthday parties etc. rather than hunting. I do go to Africa or South America when our schedules allow; however family comes first. That being said, unless there is something scheduled to prohibit you from jumping in the truck and headed out on short notice I would talk to my wife about why she didn't want me to go. I had a friend from Andrews test me some huge mule deer pictures on Tuesday before Thanksgiving and he said "come on!" Didn't even think about it as Thanksgiving with the family is much more important to me than a deer. Again, talk to her and get a better understanding as to her emotions. That is the only way to see it from her perspective, her to see it from your perspective, and perhaps reaching common ground.

[Shane]

That situation is a LOT harder when you have small children. We were blessed to have my wife staying home and caring for our kids when they were small. She has a master's degree and is extremely capable of excelling in the workplace, and she got WAY too many of "those" questions about "why are you wasting your degree?" and other stupid comments like that. But she made our kids her top priority. We sacrificed financially. It was hard. It was definitely worth it.

She got no time off though. I hunted a LOT before I was married and before we had kids. It wasn't an issue then. But when we had babies, it became in issue. No matter how hard she tried to understand my burning desire to go hunting, it was hard for her to not resent my time away to do fun things that I enjoyed. I was selfish, and I didn't fully understand or appreciate her situation and perspective on it at the time any more than she understood mine.

But I was dumb. Here was my wonderful wife sacrificing WAY more than I was for the benefit of our family. And I was mad because I couldn't hunt as much as I always had. I finally started to think more about what she was doing and what she was going through in being "on duty" 24/7 with our kids. It finally sunk into my thick skull.

She would LOVE to have a break and some time off to go do fun things too, but she put that aside to take care of our family. Surely I could do the same thing, right? I had to be honest with myself and answer "yes" to that.

It was hard to give up a good bit of my hunting time, but I did (finally). I made an effort to plan weekends for M.C. and I to get away and leave the kids with grandparents too. Money was tight, so no matter what time of year we did that it meant less money available for hunting in the fall. But it was so worth it. M.C. saw me making sacrifices for our family and for her. She saw - by my choices and actions - that she and the kids were more important to me than hunting. She began to be able to understand that hunting meant a lot to me and was good for me to do sometimes as well. She began to resent it less.

What I learned through my mistakes in handling it early on was this: Anytime there is something - ANYTHING - that is coming between you and your wife, it's a problem. Even if only one of you recognizes it as a problem, it's still a problem for both of you. And the best way to work it out is to talk to each other a lot, do whatever you can to put your spouse first, and figure out what needs to be done from there.

One more thing I learned....babies and toddlers grow up, and time flies. Before you know it, you'll be able to give your wife some free time without the kids when you take the kids hunting for a weekend here and there. She will love watching you spending quality time with your kids just as much as she will love having some time to do whatever she wants to do WITHOUT the kids for a couple days. Maybe she will choose to go hunting with you and the kids. Maybe she'd rather do something else. No problem either way. Just work with each other instead of against each other.

If she is taking care of a couple of small children at home, she is definitely working. She's working her *** off and making lots of sacrifices in the process. If I were with a baby and a toddler 24/7, I'd be WAY more hard to get along with sometimes than my wife ever was. I can guarantee you that. Cut her a little slack.

[CRT]

I'm not an elder, but I am 37 with a 3 year old and a 1 year old. I figured out that my wife resented the fact that I got to run off and go hunt while she had the kids. Her question was more of where is my time to pursue a hobby or have time to spend doing things she enjoyed with her friends that didn't involve taking kids with her.

This is what I have done that has solved the majority of the conflict. I give her breaks all year long. And I jump at the opportunity to give her a break. If she mentions something she wants to go do, I insist that she goes and does it. She may say "I'd like to go get a massage" - I make her go and I take care of the kids. And while she is gone I bathe and feed them.

It boiled down to me making a lot of effort to give her down time so that when hunting season rolled around she remembered all of what I had done for her.

CS

As a female perspective......this!!!!

[J-Bob]

Man, great post Chase. I'm in your boat. Sorry I don't have the answer but I look forward to hearing others' views on this. My boys are 8 and 6 and my wife seems to have eased up more each year. I think it is really hard on them when the kids are so young.

For me, hunting is definitely a "want" and not a need, but I do get edgy sometimes if I haven't been out. It is funnny, my wife will ask me what's wrong and I will tell her I feel like I need to kill something. She looks at me like I am a monster. Women are wired up differently I think.

[nursejenn]

That situation is a LOT harder when you have small children. We were blessed to have my wife staying home and caring for our kids when they were small. She has a master's degree and is extremely capable of excelling in the workplace, and she got WAY too many of "those" questions about "why are you wasting your degree?" and other stupid comments like that. But she made our kids her top priority. We sacrificed financially. It was hard. It was definitely worth it.

She got no time off though. I hunted a LOT before I was married and before we had kids. It wasn't an issue then. But when we had babies, it became in issue. No matter how hard she tried to understand my burning desire to go hunting, it was hard for her to not resent my time away to do fun things that I enjoyed. I was selfish, and I didn't fully understand or appreciate her situation and perspective on it at the time any more than she understood mine.

But I was dumb. Here was my wonderful wife sacrificing WAY more than I was for the benefit of our family. And I was mad because I couldn't hunt as much as I always had. I finally started to think more about what she was doing and what she was going through in being "on duty" 24/7 with our kids. It finally sunk into my thick skull.

She would LOVE to have a break and some time off to go do fun things too, but she put that aside to take care of our family. Surely I could do the same thing, right? I had to be honest with myself and answer "yes" to that.

It was hard to give up a good bit of my hunting time, but I did (finally). I made an effort to plan weekends for M.C. and I to get away and leave the kids with grandparents too. Money was tight, so no matter what time of year we did that it meant less money available for hunting in the fall. But it was so worth it. M.C. saw me making sacrifices for our family and for her. She saw - by my choices and actions - that she and the kids were more important to me than hunting. She began to be able to understand that hunting meant a lot to me and was good for me to do sometimes as well. She began to resent it less.

What I learned through my mistakes in handling it early on was this: Anytime there is something - ANYTHING - that is coming between you and your wife, it's a problem. Even if only one of you recognizes it as a problem, it's still a problem for both of you. And the best way to work it out is to talk to each other a lot, do whatever you can to put your spouse first, and figure out what needs to be done from there.

One more thing I learned....babies and toddlers grow up, and time flies. Before you know it, you'll be able to give your wife some free time without the kids when you take the kids hunting for a weekend here and there. She will love watching you spending quality time with your kids just as much as she will love having some time to do whatever she wants to do WITHOUT the kids for a couple days. Maybe she will choose to go hunting with you and the kids. Maybe she'd rather do something else. No problem either way. Just work with each other instead of against each other.

If she is taking care of a couple of small children at home, she is definitely working. She's working her *** off and making lots of sacrifices in the process. If I were with a baby and a toddler 24/7, I'd be WAY more hard to get along with sometimes than my wife ever was. I can guarantee you that. Cut her a little slack.

Well, you asked...

I too have an amazing wife and three of the most incredible kids a man could ever ask for. And I too - when I was younger - shared the same restlessness you have for the outdoors.

Looking back now, I realize how selfish I was and how much time I spent away from my wife and kids - when they were young - just so I could go exploring. I should have been exploring time with my kids instead.

It's something you can NEVER get back. Those kids will be gone before you know it, and then what will you have to show for it? A few deer or game animals you could still have killed once your kids were gone?

I look at the pictures of my wife and three kids at the zoo, or at the museums, or wherever they were when I wasn't there, and it hurts my heart because those days are gone forever.

Believe me when I say this - spend as much time with your wife and kids now as you possibly can. Go with them everywhere they want to go. Sure, see if you can take them with you fishing or hunting, but if you can't, then do something else with them.

Because I can tell you first hand, they are gone before you know it. Even if they still live at home, by the time they are teenagers, they are so busy with school activities and friends that essentially your time with them is very limited.

Get all the time in with your kids before they are teenagers that you can possibly get. If they will be seen with you after that, then spend time with them then too.

I wish someone had drilled this into my head when I was in my late 20's and 30's. I still have an amazing wife and kids, but I'm lucky she/they put up with me being gone as much as I was.

John

I started typing, got distracted, then saw these posted while I was typing.. I deleted what I typed because these two right here summed it up better....

[JeffJ]

To me it sounds like the wife and kids want to be with you. Buy a camper and find a small family friendly lease and take the kids. Build a firepit, cook some smores and life will be grand. I love to hunt and did so every weekend from the time I was old enough. When I met my wife I left town Friday at 3pm and got back Sunday at dark or after usually. When we got married that changed a little and when we had kids I dropped the duck hunting and went back to more deer hunting. The family is able to go with me every weekend and frankly I get bored if they arent there these days.

In your case I dont think anyone is right or wrong...I think everyone needs to come together and put a workable plan together. If you do take one or two longer trips per season thats cool...just make sure your wife gets some girls weekends etc. When she gets home make sure the house is clean and kids are fed and happy...FYI my wife just knocked out two such weekends...one in NYC and one in Sonoma.

[JEG8233]

Well, you asked...

I too have an amazing wife and three of the most incredible kids a man could ever ask for. And I too - when I was younger - shared the same restlessness you have for the outdoors.

Looking back now, I realize how selfish I was and how much time I spent away from my wife and kids - when they were young - just so I could go exploring. I should have been exploring time with my kids instead.

It's something you can NEVER get back. Those kids will be gone before you know it, and then what will you have to show for it? A few deer or game animals you could still have killed once your kids were gone?

I look at the pictures of my wife and three kids at the zoo, or at the museums, or wherever they were when I wasn't there, and it hurts my heart because those days are gone forever.

Believe me when I say this - spend as much time with your wife and kids now as you possibly can. Go with them everywhere they want to go. Sure, see if you can take them with you fishing or hunting, but if you can't, then do something else with them.

Because I can tell you first hand, they are gone before you know it. Even if they still live at home, by the time they are teenagers, they are so busy with school activities and friends that essentially your time with them is very limited.

Get all the time in with your kids before they are teenagers that you can possibly get. If they will be seen with you after that, then spend time with them then too.

I wish someone had drilled this into my head when I was in my late 20's and 30's. I still have an amazing wife and kids, but I'm lucky she/they put up with me being gone as much as I was.

John

X100000

Been there and done that. Kids are only kids for so long. The woods and the critters that live in them will still be there later.