major marriage problems, advice please?

[Bluesman]

Never stop dating. Wife and I have been married 22 years and we go on a date at least once a week.

Absolutely essential!

[yaqui]

Your wife has dealt with your issues for over 24 years. She's going to need a LOT of time to reassure herself that you are in fact trying to be a better person. Unfortunately, I agree with you- I don't think she seems to be willing to give you that time, with Don Juan in the background promising her a better life.

Personally, I'd giver her the boot myself! If she is willing to 'chat' with some mysterious dude, you already know what's going to happen next. Sorry, but chatting alone is CHEATING! Keep your pride man and dignity! What you did is NO reason for her to cheat on you, period! This should be on her shoulders to fix the marriage at this point, not yours.

Start talks/consultations with ALL of the good attorneys in the area (this will keep them from being able to work with her), get one for yourself, and start documenting EVERYTHING she says and does. You have protect yourself now bud!

Don't listen to any of this above. An attorney would show your wife that you have given up.

Be honest and truthful with your therapist and wife. If you don't like the therapist, find another one. Be sure you both agree on the direction the therapist had you going in.

Your marriage is worth fighting for.

[cbd10pt]

Find out if she will forgive you, in counseling.
Without her forgiveness it will never work

[Graysonhogs]

Don't listen to any of this above. An attorney would show your wife that you have given up.



Be honest and truthful with your therapist and wife. If you don't like the therapist, find another one. Be sure you both agree on the direction the therapist had you going in.



Your marriage is worth fighting for.

If you initially don’t like the therapist, stay with them a while longer. I didn’t like one I was initially going to. Turned out to be someone I can still call anytime I need to talk. I think I disliked him because he saw thru my BS and called my arse out. Remember, counseling isn’t a competition to see who is “right”. Do more listening than talking.


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[Jmh05]

Married 10yrs, together 16, two kids. Things I've learned- you are not the same kid almost twenty years down the road. Marriage is HARD, people that say it's all bliss are full of ****. Marriage counseling is bull****. Complete waste of time and money in my opinion. I don't need to pay somebody to tell me about the theory of communication etc...I think you have to objectively identify problems and solutions and then fix them or meet in the middle or come to an impasse. Many people will tell you it is not always greener on the other side aka being single, finding somebody else. Many people say the kids are not a factor, you have to be happy etc...I don't agree. You can't be miserable, but you do have to consider the impact on your kids. Yours are almost all out of the nest...slightly different. I think time and space is the biggest truth teller, and I mean 6-8 months, not weeks. Temporarily splitting and re-evaluating over time, is better than immediate divorce. Men and women, will find what they are seeking elsewhere if they cannot get vital elemental needs at home. It's a fact, it's human nature...beware. Good luck, hang in there. I'm far from the most experienced, but PM me if I can help. I chose a career that impacted my life/marriage (medical school, residency, fellowship- 8yrs of training, moving, neglect and $400K in debt)but was able to overcome it. Too much to air out here, but I'd be happy to talk to you.

[TeamAmerica]

Have you tried praying together out loud? This makes some uncomfortable but you should strongly consider it.

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[yaqui]

If you initially don’t like the therapist, stay with them a while longer. I didn’t like one I was initially going to. Turned out to be someone I can still call anytime I need to talk. I think I disliked him because he saw thru my BS and called my arse out. Remember, counseling isn’t a competition to see who is “right”. Do more listening than talking.


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Good point...

[Burntorange Bowhunter]

Your wife has dealt with your issues for over 24 years. She's going to need a LOT of time to reassure herself that you are in fact trying to be a better person. Unfortunately, I agree with you- I don't think she seems to be willing to give you that time, with Don Juan in the background promising her a better life.

Personally, I'd giver her the boot myself! If she is willing to 'chat' with some mysterious dude, you already know what's going to happen next. Sorry, but chatting alone is CHEATING! Keep your pride man and dignity! What you did is NO reason for her to cheat on you, period! This should be on her shoulders to fix the marriage at this point, not yours.

Start talks/consultations with ALL of the good attorneys in the area (this will keep them from being able to work with her), get one for yourself, and start documenting EVERYTHING she says and does. You have protect yourself now bud!

This.

Find someone for you to "talk" to.

She deleted his social media account but she has his number bro.

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[TxAg]

If you are a christian man then you must be the spiritual leader you were called to be. The Bible says that you are the head of the woman and the head of the house, not the other way around. It says not to give your power to a woman for she was deceived and continues to be. It says that a woman should respect and obey her husband and on and on but todays world says that the woman is strong and independent and that a man is a no longer the head. Man is the head of a woman just as Christ is the head of the church.
I preface with this to say before you beat yourself up too bad, your wife is not following her role and has had extramarital affairs in her heart and should be ashamed and repent of that foolishness, it is unacceptable. The Bible tells us not to become embittered with our wives, why? because He knew we would. The Bible tells us that the woman is weak and so we must also treat her like a flower because of this frailty. It is a balancing act all the time but the rules must be set by the word of God. No man is perfect, we all have our hangups as well as woman so we trust what God has told us, the advice He gives and so we have a strong foundation. There are rules and boundaries in baseball to keep the game honest, where are those rules and boundaries in marriage.
I pray God leads you to a true godly counselor, even the christian ones rarely teach the truth. I will pray that this marriage gets back on track according to what God wants from you both.

I'm curious how you feel about single moms or women choose not to get married in the first place. What about women in positions of power?

[RattlesnakeDan]

I'm curious how you feel about single moms or women choose not to get married in the first place. What about women in positions of power?

I don't "feel" anything. If you want biblical answers pm me, not here at this guys expense.

[jomw10]

Here are my two cents.

From just this post, it seems that your marriage problems are based in two issues, financially and the other lack of personal investment into it.
You need to address both, a counselor is a great start, as long as you both are committed to follow his advise.

Personally, I think you need to address the financial part. For me that is simple, you should have a budget for her to spend in whatever she wants. You get no saying if she uses all her budget in silly things or important thing. Get with her and agree on an amount per month and let her do whatever she wants with it. Never even ask her about it. that should help reduce some of the money tensions.
For the second part, you need to get more involved. You are the men of the house and need to take control of it. Take her out to the movies or whatever she likes to do. Don't over do it, but try to sit down with her during meal time and ask about her day, don't express your opinion, you are there just to listen. Remember what you used to do with her before you got married and try to do it again.

[crowmagnum]

Famersonly.com��

[Mudslinger]

All I can tell you is, focus on you and the family, nothing else and I mean nothing else! I celebrated 46 years this past May and that is what I have done. Focused on us, nothing else and no one else. Things will work out if you do this. Marriage is a give and take and a joint effort from both of you.
Good luck.

[bowhuntingw]

Thank you all for the support. Got some meds so I feel little calmer. Prayers welcomed.

[J Loves Huntin]

Being honest with each other is the first step. Keep your head up. It could be as simple as letting her have more money to use at her leisure if that is possible. One thing to remember: we all hear “ I love you” differently”. Finding out what makes her come alive, hobbies, tv, books, puzzles... heck a lot of woman just want their man to listen and repeat what they say back to them.... at the end of the day you both have to gain from this relationship.