major marriage problems, advice please?

[SaintBlaise]

All great advise. Trust in God foremost.

I could understand that a vulnerable person could easily attach to someone else, it's the grass is always green aspect. However, if she has/had the outside influence, then she is breaching on a sin. Work on your self improvement, be the husband you aspire to be, but know your limits. We can't have you watching the Lifetime channel every Saturday morning in November.

[Hooverfb]

I agree with a lot of this. That's not saying you're perfect. But IMO when it comes to finances YOU are responsible for your whole families financial future. Since the burden is on your shoulders it can be stressful.

The counselor should be able to help with this side of the problems you're having.

Sounds like you need to agree on a budget. A real budget. May not be easy to set up and get started. Agree on a budget and then agree to lay off her spending as long as it stays in the budget.

A lot of women do not understand how lucky they are to have a man that cares about money. I had this struggle with my wife for years. Eventually she saw that me being crazy about finances paid off and it's all good.

This. Alot of this. You mentioned this started after you built the house. I've had the same finance arguments with my wife because her dad was fairly wealthy and her parents example to her was spend spend spend (nvm their financial problems now). However we've worked through that, and as a financial provider and head, you have to be in charge of leading. Sounds like you might have lead a little to close to the sun and let the financial stress affect your relationship.
Dont beat yourself up too much about where you've lead it. But dont ignore it either. Get yourself right with God first, as its gonna be tough and your wife is already hesitant. She'll expect half hearted change that's in the moment. You need to be honest with yourself and recognize you cant control her commitment either. You have to be like Christ and love her now regardless of everything, as it's a summation of actions between you both.

I'll be praying for you.

[muddydog]

I've been married for 33 years to the same women. There's been many ups and downs along the way .. this is normal. Marriage is totally a 2 way street. Y'all got to work together. If she isn't willing to do it too, it won't work. All marriages have problems. Y'all need to talk, recognize the problems and work together. And finally.. if a woman strays to another man... You will be better off without her!

Sent from my moto e5 cruise using Tapatalk

[Jspradley]

The only person you can change is you, and from your post it seems like you realize that you need to change.

That realization that you are the problem (not all of the problem as it always takes two in any relationship) puts you ahead of 99.999% of other people and means there is hope that you can improve.

All you can do is focus on improving yourself and be the best person you can be and if that turns her around that's great, if not then you have to be willing to let her go, either way your focus on improving yourself means you will be a better person no matter what the outcome is.

Everyone has needs, women tend to have more emotional needs than men and if when needs aren't met then people will get them met somewhere. Again, kudos to you for realizing how your actions have driven her away, but with that said it's just might be too late, even showering her with affection or changing your ways completely might not be enough to salvage the relationship.

You definitely need to seek counseling, most importantly for yourself but marriage counseling might be a good option as well.

Hang in there man, you can get through this.

[austinRecurve]

http://strongermarriageworkshops.com

[tommy1005]

I don’t know where you are, but look into going to a Financial Peace course. There are tons of them going on all the time. It’s amazing what getting on a budget (that you’ll stick to) and generally getting in the same page can do for your marriage.

You need to find a big why. Once my wife and I discovered why we needed to change our money habits and got in the same page God has blessed us generously. Not just financially, blessed our relationship and opened doors for me to start going to Kenya on mission trips and blessing kids over there.

[Death from Above]

Let her read that post...it is dripping with repentance and love that only God can place in a person. She will read it and know there is opportunity for growth in you both and that the next 24 1/2 years have an unlocked potential for fulfillment.

Seeing a faith based counselor will be the greatest. You are going to see that when everything is reconciled yall will still want to go because of how healthy a process it is.

Praying for you all.

If you are close send me a PM. I am a chaplain and biblical counselor. I do alot of counseling in the church setting. Sometimes that is merely accountability and encouragement for couples that are in counseling else where.

[Jcjohnson]

Let her read that post...it is dripping with repentance and love that only God can place in a person.

This. Try to remember what you where before the stress of life set in and be that guy again. Be genuine. Don’t beg, be patient. don’t make her feel your trying to love her too hard. the personal things you have listed about your self change them for YOU not her. When cheating of any sort arises in a marriage it devastates trust. It’s easy to swipe it under the rug and act like it didn’t happen but not healthy. No answers for that. 24 years is a long time. I’m betting there are More good years than bad. Maybe a simple fishing trip for the two of you to talk. It’s obvious this is extremely important to you I hope she realizes that. Praying bud.

[chrisk]

I wouldn’t make the same decision as you.
I would be ticked at the guy a little bit but more ticked at her.
He is only in it for the short term and she was supposed to be in it for the long term.
If my wife decided to do this I would drop her like a bad habit and the only praying I would be doing is praying she got fat.
I have been married for almost 20 years and I feel lucky in the sense I know my wife could do better than me and she must love me cause I give her many reasons not to love me as much as she does.
I am not saying this is what you should do but I know that trying to salvage a marriage with someone who decided to have relationships outside of their marriage is very hard to get over and people might forgive but they never forget.

[progolferv1]

https://intensives.com

[HotRod Hunter]

Women definitely need a lot more affection and attention than men. And I know even though most guys won't agree or realize most of us do take our wives for granted. bluntly putting it " The newness has worn off" and we tend to not treat them or act towards them as we once did. I admit I've been in my own world at times and didn't realize I wasn't giving my wife the attention she needed. You just need to step back and realize what she means to you and you got to win her heart back like you did when you first met. Wine her and dine her take her on a date bite the bullet and go shopping, Antiquing or whatever her hobbies and interest are. Seeing a Christian counselor is a great step in the right direction. And definitely keep God and prayers in your life. I'll be praying for y'all.

[stickman]

Sounds like your stress puts stress on her. There is no way I would let little strips of green paper or lack there of ruin my life/marriage. If only one person is fighting hard to save a relationship I’d say prepare for divorce. Took me a long time to learn from my first wife what my second wife was asking me to change about myself, now my second wife and I have a great relationship. If you got that statement then you’ll be fine. Reflect, change what you can that has proven to be an issue, and above all else...pray.

[stickman]

Sounds like your stress puts stress on her. There is no way I would let little strips of green paper or lack there of ruin my life/marriage. If only one person is fighting hard to save a relationship I’d say prepare for divorce. Took me a long time to learn from my first wife what my second wife was asking me to change about myself, now my second wife and I have a great relationship. If you got that statement then you’ll be fine. Reflect, change what you can that has proven to be an issue, and above all else...pray.

[Roy]

Your wife has dealt with your issues for over 24 years. She's going to need a LOT of time to reassure herself that you are in fact trying to be a better person. Unfortunately, I agree with you- I don't think she seems to be willing to give you that time, with Don Juan in the background promising her a better life.

Personally, I'd giver her the boot myself! If she is willing to 'chat' with some mysterious dude, you already know what's going to happen next. Sorry, but chatting alone is CHEATING! Keep your pride man and dignity! What you did is NO reason for her to cheat on you, period! This should be on her shoulders to fix the marriage at this point, not yours.

Start talks/consultations with ALL of the good attorneys in the area (this will keep them from being able to work with her), get one for yourself, and start documenting EVERYTHING she says and does. You have protect yourself now bud!

[Jspradley]

Theres a really popular book that has a lot to say about pride.