Things you regret that keep you up at night.

[treestand]

My wife officially passed on November 3 but I feel like it happened in the ambulance on the way to the hospital 6 days earlier. I could have rode with her in the ambulance but opted to drive my car and meet her in the ER. Her heart stopped in the ambulance and it took them too long to revive her. She never regained consciousness.

[Slow&Steady]

As far as family goes, I feel like I always done the best I could. I've lost both grandfathers and my father over the last few years, but we were all on good terms. I stepped up when the time came and put each of them in the ground in turn. I sat my my father and maternal grandfather's beds and read from the bible to them as they died. I stayed with my father's body long after everyone else was gone and personally loaded him into the hearse. I bore the pall at each of their funerals. I stayed at my father's grave until the burial crew had finished filling it in. Those were all good men. Honest, forthright, and dedicated. Each led a difficult life.

Mother's father - Left school in 3rd grade to support his family. Badly injured on a job at the age of 21 when a cat head on an oil rig spun and trapped his arm, breaking it in multiple places, only to sling him off the platform and onto a lower deck. With a wife and young child (my mother) he didn't get time to recover. We have photos of him running heavy equipment on a construction site with his right arm in a cast from wrist to shoulder. He was a hard man, tough and unyielding, but he loved his family fiercely and raised us all to be tough in the face of difficulty.

Father's father - Joined Navy in WWII to escape an unwanted engagement. Deployed throughout the Pacific theatre. Was aboard the USS Pringle (Fletcher class destroyer) when she sank off Okinawa. Was sent onto another ship until the end of the war. Came home, married my Grandma and raised 11 kids. Never spoke of the day the Pringle sank until he told me about it in the mid 1990's. He was a patient man. Soft spoken and kind. Slow to anger and very devout. He tried to show us all the importance of faith and placing God first.

Father - Married first wife young. Had three kids. Came home one day to find her in bed with another man. Tried to forgive. Came home a week later to her gone and everything he owned burning in the front yard. Married again. She was killed in a car crash on the way to their honeymoon. His back was broken in a couple of places. He married a third time, and stayed married to my mother for 37 years before passing almost two years ago. He was jovial and happy. Always laughing and joking. Never shirked a job. Always the first to put his shoulder to the task and see it through. He also valued family and God above all else.

These men were wonderful role models, each offering something unique to help make me the man that I am today. I loved each of them dearly, and I have no regrets regarding the time spent with them or the terms parted upon. Next to these men, my regret feels... selfish and empty. I'm almost ashamed of it, but it's there just the same.

I served my country. I was in the Army for six years and left with the rank of Sergeant under honorable conditions. I deployed twice to Iraq and I regret nothing about my service. Afterward, I went to college and got a Bachelor's degree in Finance and Economics. I got a great job at a big account firm in the city and everyone was proud of me. I went on to go to night school while working and earn and MBA. All the while, I've raised a beautiful family and purchased a nice house in a middle class suburb.

So what's my regret? I wish I had a dream. I didn't have one. I just followed the formula. I did what all the teachers, and books, and life coaches say. I put my shoulder to the task and made a life. A life that I am profoundly unhappy with. I wouldn't trade my wife or children for anything, and I would never take my own life, but so much of my life feels empty. If you ever find something that truly gives you joy, never let it go. Find a way to wrap your life around that joy and make that your life's work. If it wasn't for my family, I don't know what I would do. I often lay awake at night wondering what those men would say to me. What advice they might give. 38 feels too young to be the oldest man in my direct line, but that's the way things are.