Premarital Counseling

[Spearchunker]

I commend you and your bride to be for taking this step. We were required by our church and we wanted to as well. To this day, 22 years later we use some of the tools we learned and give God thanks for his word. Basically we did a lot of Q and A about each other and how we felt our significant other would answer as well.

I truly believe it helped us start our life with strong foundation.

The one thing I didn't like....required abstinence until the wedding night. Man that was the hardest part, but so worth it once that night was there.

Wish you many happy years!

[BobbyOrtiz]

Premarital church counseling sure if they require it. If you need to learn to get along before your married you better have a good exit strategy. Prenup and seperate bank accounts from the get go

[CaptainDave]

All I can say is that we are Catholic and the church required us to attend a few sessions of marriage prep and also we were assigned a sponsor couple that we met with on multiple occasions over a few months.

We thought it was great. It's not all that many think it's about. Sure, some of was the religious aspects and putting God in the center of your relationship etc.; however much of it was about how you both feel regarding finances, future children, careers, in-laws, holiday planning, etc.

Let's be honest. The current divorce rate is right at 50%; i.e. one in every two marriages end in divorce.

If you and your spouse actively attend church together, the average divorce rate cuts in half. If you actively pray together, it cuts down to below 10%.

I think some type of pre-marital prep is a good idea; especially if it involves a church.

[pervis]

Tell her u can be life partners. Tell her u can have a ceremony etc but u no sign.

[J-Bob]

Counseling is great to make sure you guys are on the same page. For example, she wants 5 kids and you want none. Similar financial views. Pretty important stuff like that.

I have written a marriage advice pamphlet for men that I give out that has a bunch of marriage tips and tricks. Here's a little piece from it you may find useful:

Manage Down Her Expectations
This first tip is really an overarching strategic principle that should be incorporated into every aspect of a marriage. The key to any happy marriage is to meet and on some rare occasions even exceed your wife’s expectations. The key to meeting and/or exceeding your wife’s expectations is to lower them.

Women come into a marriage with all kinds of absurdly high expectations for what a husband should be, how he should act and what he should know/understand about them. Ever since they were little girls women have dreamed of marrying Prince Charming, and some of them cling to this dream doggedly and will measure you by and try to shape you into this warped vision. If you want a long and happy marriage, you need to slowly and steadily knock these overinflated expectations down to something more manageable.

Now, fortunately, the process of lowering your wife’s expectations happens naturally for most men over time – it definitely did for me. Just being yourself should drastically reduce her expectations. But, the process can be accelerated by some careful positioning early in the marriage. It is a delicate balance as the lowering process causes friction in the relationship. But, just like training for a triathlon (something I know about only theoretically), you are trading short term pain now for long-term gain later. You have to be careful so as not to bring the expectations down too fast, especially early on, and make them question why they married you. You don’t want big, hurtful events that they can remember and use against you. Those are counterproductive. What you are looking for is a series of actions that slowly chip away at her expectations the way a river carves its way through stone over time. Pace yourself. Slow and steady wins the race. A marriage is a marathon, not a sprint.

One strange dynamic you will encounter is that a woman’s natural instinct is to always try to improve her man. This improvement instinct is frustrating to deal with. I think it is related somehow to the maternal instinct to care for and improve their young and she will often turn her energies away from you and onto your kids once they are born, giving you some breathing room. In any case, the sooner she realizes that she can’t improve you anymore and gives up that silly dream, the happier you both will be. So, what are some practical ways to lower her expectations and get her to throw in the improvement towel sooner you may ask? Here are a few that have worked for me:

- Let Yourself Go Physically – Gravity helps a lot, as does time, but you can do your part by overeating and not working out as much. Premature baldness also helps, but if you are not blessed with that advantage you should probably mix in some bad haircuts and/or facial hair (lamb chops, mustaches, etc.). You don’t want to be all muscled up when you are 10 years into your marriage or she will get too used to it, and that high level of physical fitness gets harder and harder to maintain. When you let yourself go early, she will be much more appreciative of you working out or eating right later.

As an example, look at Willie Robertson from Duck Dynasty. The guy is overweight, dresses like a Salvation Army Thrift Shop model, has a ridiculous beard and tattoos and has been married to the same stunningly beautiful and classy woman for more than 25 years. Willie started out handsome, but quickly learned the secret of marital happiness and let himself go. He had a great example in his father, Phil, to show him the way. Phil has been married for a half-century and I suspect that he doesn’t even shower anymore.
Contrast the Robertsons with Geraldo Rivera, the dapper, ruggedly handsome, well-spoken, world-famous reporter who is in great shape, but who has been married FIVE times. I give Geraldo some credit for growing out that ridiculous molester-stache, but if he wants to stay married he needs to do more - stop working out and maybe shave his head. The man’s hair is pretty enough to have its own talk show. It’s ridiculous.

- Remember to Forget Things – I stumbled on this gem quite by accident. You can start small with things like not telling her when you will be home from work, but I have found that forgetting a birthday or anniversary has the biggest impact. This sounds risky I know but it works. After you forget one of these, you will have set the expectation for the future and she will be that much happier every year you remember them. Also, forgetting once is the best way to remember.

- Buy Her Cheap and/or Cheesy Gifts– Self-explanatory, but you don’t want to buy her nice, expensive things. For example, probably the worst thing you can do is to buy your wife nice jewelry early in a marriage. You are just setting her up for disappointment later. My friend did this with his first wife. And his second. Neither marriage worked out. Get her something useful like a Chick-fil-A calendar with all those monthly coupons. She will remember you every time she gets her free Chick-fil-A sandwich or shake. Play this right and before you know it, you will not be buying gifts at all and will just celebrate by taking her out for a nice dinner or lunch. After years of gift expectation management, my wife was THRILLED when I got her a cheap, plastic pineapple slicer one year for our anniversary. She still loves that thing.

- Lobby – Any chance you get to tell her how you stack up favorably compared to other men, you should take it. For example, “I read a survey recently that said that 80% of men cheat on their wives. That’s crazy, but I can believe it based on the guys I know. I would never cheat on you, though honey.” Or something like, “Frank works 75 hours a week and never sees his family. I’m glad I don’t have a job like that so I can spend more time with you guys.” You have to constantly remind her that she is a lucky girl. And if that means throwing Frank under the bus, you do it! Your marriage is at stake.

Once the expectations are in check, everything in marriage gets much easier.

[Phillip Fields]

My wife and I did not do any type of pre-marital counseling. So far we've made it 47 years.

[Kdog]

All I can say is that we are Catholic and the church required us to attend a few sessions of marriage prep and also we were assigned a sponsor couple that we met with on multiple occasions over a few months.

We thought it was great. It's not all that many think it's about. Sure, some of was the religious aspects and putting God in the center of your relationship etc.; however much of it was about how you both feel regarding finances, future children, careers, in-laws, holiday planning, etc.

Let's be honest. The current divorce rate is right at 50%; i.e. one in every two marriages end in divorce.

If you and your spouse actively attend church together, the average divorce rate cuts in half. If you actively pray together, it cuts down to below 10%.

I think some type of pre-marital prep is a good idea; especially if it involves a church.

My wife and I have some friends who do this (Marriage prep sponsors). From what they were telling me it sounded like a lot of it is just getting the couple to think about and talk about certain things in advance that are bound to come up. Actually it sounded kind of fun to be a sponsor, get to stir up a little trouble, but in a good way. That was my take on it anyway.

When you get married it changes your life in a lot of ways that you don't anticipate, you really have to change your way of thinking. Prior to being married I honestly did not realize this. I think a good marriage prep class/counseling would be a good thing, but we never did any of that.

To OP, you will be fine. Just be yourself.

[texasdeerhunter]

Have you seen the movie Old School? Don’t bring up day dreaming about other woman’s panties lol

[Johnny Dangerr]

My wife and I would've never made it through counseling. We would've killed each other first. Only been married 32 years.

[sectxag06]

All I can say is that we are Catholic and the church required us to attend a few sessions of marriage prep and also we were assigned a sponsor couple that we met with on multiple occasions over a few months.

We thought it was great. It's not all that many think it's about. Sure, some of was the religious aspects and putting God in the center of your relationship etc.; however much of it was about how you both feel regarding finances, future children, careers, in-laws, holiday planning, etc.

Let's be honest. The current divorce rate is right at 50%; i.e. one in every two marriages end in divorce.

If you and your spouse actively attend church together, the average divorce rate cuts in half. If you actively pray together, it cuts down to below 10%.

I think some type of pre-marital prep is a good idea; especially if it involves a church.

i wasn't Catholic when we got married. i have since been confirmed into the church. but, we had to do Engaged Encounter since we missed the Church's typical round of pre-wedding counseling and things.

i thought it was a fantastic experience and am very glad we had to do it. now, if i had been in my early-mid 20's i probably would have shrugged it off. there were a few couples there that didn't want to take it seriously and that's their prerogative.

but for my wife and i, it was a great experience. so, i will say that you will get out of counseling what you put into it. if you roll your eyes and not care, then you will get nothing. if you actively participate, listen intently and try to see different perspectives, it can be very beneficial.

[TxDispatcher]

I'll simply say that you need to make sure your counselor is married seriously tho, I know of a marriage counselor who has NEVER been married no thank you! If you've never been married, DO NOT try to tell me how to resolve issues in my marriage

One piece of advice...learn to communicate. Marriage isn't easy...I went through 2 divorces because of miscommunication. This time I told my wife "you're gonna have to be open about things. I can't read your mind, you can't read mine. If you're upset, tell me what you're upset about. If I ask what is wrong, don't say 'nothing' and expect me to figure it out"...we had some rough times in the first 2 years, but it's been much better over the last 4, because we communicate. I didn't necessarily enjoy hearing about how I was "messing up" but it helped me to see what I needed to work on, and same goes for her. Short term pain for long term gain. And if you find that someone thinks they're perfect and have no need to change things to make life better? Well, you'll be in for a long hard ride

[JeffJ]

I think is designed more to make sure couples going in to a marriage do so with eyes wide open. For us, it was required by the church. We were always an open book so we didn't encounter any real suprises.

We had friends who didn't and the husband found out two weeks AFTER the wedding that his brides dad had been making her car payment, insurance payment, and she had his CC for pretty much anything she "needed". That spigot got cut off after the wedding...

[Hoss163]

I went to pre marriage counseling before I got married a year and 5 months later I was divorced haven't been married since that was back in 1996... But tell the counselor you love hunting he will try to talk you down from the obsession a little I guess listen to him lol unless you just have a awesome fiancée!!

[kcmarullo]

I didn't do any counseling so I'm not much help, just remember if she will leave her mother she will dang sure leave YOU !

[Shane]

1. Don't be nervous about it. It's a great thing for young couples to do. It will DEFINITELY help you begin to learn how to navigate married life.

2. You won't be through learning after the pre-marital counseling is finished. You'll NEVER be through learning how to be a better husband, and she'll NEVER be through learning how to be a better wife.

3. Focus on learning how to communicate effectively with each other. Disagreement and conflict is a given. How you deal with it and how you communicate with each other will determine how much conflict you have and how well (or not so well) it will go when it does come along.

4. Focus on learning what makes your spouse tick. Don't focus on trying to get your spouse to do everything your way. Stay focused on how you can bless your wife in ways that are meaningful to her. Learn what bothers her, what stresses her out. Learn what makes her feel happy, protected, and safe. She isn't like you, I promise. I don't know either of you, but I can guarantee you that's true. Don't try to make her like you. Just learn how to work with what makes her special. She'll be doing the same for you. That method works WAAAAAAY better than two people who are trying to get the other one to be more like them.

5. Never stop doing things that help you grow together. Read books, participate in marriage enrichment classes at church, etc.... You're never "there". Keep growing together.