For those of you who have suffered this horrendous indignity you might relate.
Colonoscopy Journal:
I called my friend
Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment
for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in
his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a
lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at
one point passing briefly through
Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained
the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring
and patient manner.
I nodded
thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said,
because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A
TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office
with some written instructions, and a prescription for a
product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large
enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep
in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must
never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's
enemies.
I spent the next
several days productively sitting around being
nervous.
Then, on the day
before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In
accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid
food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is
basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the
evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of
powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill
it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the
metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have
to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because
MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a
mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint
of lemon.
The instructions for
MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense
of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery
bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like
saying that after you jump off your roof, you may
experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear
laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have
you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much
the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There
are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You
spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom,
spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And
then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have
to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far
as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and
start eliminating food that you have not even eaten
yet.
After an
action-packed evening, I finally got to
sleep.
The next morning my
wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only
was I worried about the procedure, but I had been
experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.
I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you
apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers
would not be enough.
At the clinic I had
to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and
totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then
they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people,
where I went inside a little curtained space and took off
my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments
designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put
it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are
actually naked.
Then a nurse named
Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand
Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good,
and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some
people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was
ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I
pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy
to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around
in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to
burn your house.
When everything was
ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where
Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist I
did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it
hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at
this point.
Andy had me roll over on
my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking
something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music
playing in the room, and I realized that the song was
'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all
the songs that could be playing during this particular
procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least
appropriate
'You want me to turn
it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind
me...
'Ha ha,' I said. And
then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more
than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself,
because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail,
exactly what it was like.
I have no idea.
Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling
'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the
next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a
very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at
me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even
more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and
that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never
been prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of
Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no
joke, but these comments during the exam were quite
humorous. A physician claimed that the following are
actual comments made by his patients (predominately male)
while he was performing their
colonoscopies:
1. Take it easy Doc.
You’re boldly going where no man has gone
before.
2. 'Find Amelia
Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me
NOW?'
4. 'Are we there
yet? Are we there yet? Are we there
yet?'
5 'You know, in
Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the
trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your
left hand in, you take your left hand
out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know
how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand
doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me
know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be
an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know
why I am not gay'
And the best one of
all:
13. 'Could you
write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
there?
Colonoscopy Journal:
I called my friend
Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment
for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in
his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a
lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at
one point passing briefly through
Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained
the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring
and patient manner.
I nodded
thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said,
because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A
TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office
with some written instructions, and a prescription for a
product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large
enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep
in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must
never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's
enemies.
I spent the next
several days productively sitting around being
nervous.
Then, on the day
before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In
accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid
food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is
basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the
evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of
powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill
it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the
metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have
to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because
MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a
mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint
of lemon.
The instructions for
MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense
of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery
bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like
saying that after you jump off your roof, you may
experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear
laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have
you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much
the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There
are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You
spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom,
spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And
then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have
to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far
as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and
start eliminating food that you have not even eaten
yet.
After an
action-packed evening, I finally got to
sleep.
The next morning my
wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only
was I worried about the procedure, but I had been
experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.
I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you
apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers
would not be enough.
At the clinic I had
to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and
totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then
they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people,
where I went inside a little curtained space and took off
my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments
designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put
it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are
actually naked.
Then a nurse named
Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand
Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good,
and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some
people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was
ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I
pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy
to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around
in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to
burn your house.
When everything was
ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where
Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist I
did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it
hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at
this point.
Andy had me roll over on
my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking
something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music
playing in the room, and I realized that the song was
'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all
the songs that could be playing during this particular
procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least
appropriate
'You want me to turn
it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind
me...
'Ha ha,' I said. And
then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more
than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself,
because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail,
exactly what it was like.
I have no idea.
Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling
'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the
next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a
very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at
me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even
more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and
that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never
been prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of
Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no
joke, but these comments during the exam were quite
humorous. A physician claimed that the following are
actual comments made by his patients (predominately male)
while he was performing their
colonoscopies:
1. Take it easy Doc.
You’re boldly going where no man has gone
before.
2. 'Find Amelia
Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me
NOW?'
4. 'Are we there
yet? Are we there yet? Are we there
yet?'
5 'You know, in
Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the
trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your
left hand in, you take your left hand
out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know
how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand
doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me
know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be
an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know
why I am not gay'
And the best one of
all:
13. 'Could you
write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
there?
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