Need some GS advice on post 20 yr olds

[brushtrooper]

I am going to hit the high points of my frustration with my 20 yr old and looking for advice.
I started him working at 14 in our shop at work in the summers. He made the rounds, saved some money and payed for half of his first truck, I payed the rest..I was proud. This kid does know how to work. Over the next few summers he did good. Upon graduation, he came to work full time over summer and had a run in with a hard *** boss. I understand the run in, but this is life in a shop environment and I think the boss was correct, now consider I was hoping to steer him towards college. Please understand I am not a push over by any means. If anything I am to hard it seems.
So at his point I still have a good kid at 20 yrs old, who hates me. IMO, he is lazy, ****** off all his money on parting and chasing women. While all that sounds fine, he has rent, truck payment and bills to pay. Which he is not able to do as of tonight. So my wife and I went to go meet him at his place and ask his plans. We already went over last week as an intervention type thing trying to help. Side note, he has not had hot water as he has not paid for it and is sneaking into my house for showers.
My wife and I are at odds with each other on how to handle this and we both float between helping and dont help. Tonight and his attitude, sealed the deal for me and her. No more help from us. I cant keep paying for this. I guess this is a rant/ looking for justification and looking for advice post.
I always want the best for my kids.

[roostar14]

He will never stop being your son...and you won't always shut him out. You love him. You will always care for him
You gonna drive by him while hes holding a sign under a bride? Maybe this will be a eye opener for him and he will do right with out yall. But maybe you will see him at his lowest low in life..which is why i asked if you were gonna pass him by under a bridge. I couldnt leave my son or daughyer at that lowest low. Id have to help pick them back up. Thats what family is for. As for now its just tough love.

[EASTEXASARCHER]

Military.

[brushtrooper]

He will never stop being your son...and you won't always shut him out. You love him. You will always care for him
You gonna drive by him while hes holding a sign under a bride? Maybe this will be a eye opener for him and he will do right with out yall. But maybe you will see him at his lowest low in life..which is why i asked if you were gonna pass him by under a bridge. I couldnt leave my son or daughyer at that lowest low. Id have to help pick them back up. Thats what family is for. As for now its just tough love.

No I cant leave my son like that. But how can I prevent that situation? Where do you call the bluff? How far do you push it? Right now, I am ready to push it all the way and break him or him prove me wrong

[4R Daddy]

Calm down. He's 20. He has a work ethic....that's a start. Women and partying are just part of becoming a man. My parents were hard as hell on me and I started working In my old mans shop in5th grade. I always had money to spend and it made me not really appreciate it. I struggled for a LONG time. I liked to party, I liked to screw, I liked to do what I wanted. I didn't get to when I was a kid so I dang sure did once I didn't have to answer to anyone. My parents loved me but I know they worried a lot and pulled their hair out about many of my decisions. I'll tell you this...because of the way I was raised(strict and with an iron fist), there was nothing they could've said that would have changed anything. They laid the proper foundation, I just had to do my thing for me and get it out of my system. He'll be fine. Let the reins loose a bit and just pray for him that he stays safe. If you did it right, hell right the ship eventually. But it can be a long road for a loving parent.


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[brushtrooper]

Military.

Yes. pushing that

[Sleepy]

Calm down. He's 20. He has a work ethic....that's a start. Women and partying are just part of becoming a man. My parents were hard as hell on me and I started working In my old mans shop in5th grade. I always had money to spend and it made me not really appreciate it. I struggled for a LONG time. I liked to party, I liked to screw, I liked to do what I wanted. I didn't get to when I was a kid so I dang sure did once I didn't have to answer to anyone. My parents loved me but I know they worried a lot and pulled their hair out about many of my decisions. I'll tell you this...because of the way I was raised(strict and with an iron fist), there was nothing they could've said that would have changed anything. They laid the proper foundation, I just had to do my thing for me and get it out of my system. He'll be fine. Let the reins loose a bit and just pray for him that he stays safe. If you did it right, hell right the ship eventually. But it can be a long road for a loving parent.


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X2

20 ain't that old. Yea, a lot of folks are out on their own doing ok at 20, but not most. He still has at minimum 2-3 years of party fun and not caring about anything but himself. He'll eventually get it all out of his system, figure out how much money he blew through with nothing to show for it, and then he'll straighten up. At least that's how I was.

[roostar14]

Pmd

[Bill]

Tell him you and Mom love him, he's gotta get his act together. You'll always be his parents, but can't feed and support him any longer.


..... the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

[brushtrooper]

Tell him you and Mom love him, he's gotta get his act together. You'll always be his parents, but can't feed and support him any longer.


..... the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

I wish it was that simple, perhaps I should just draw it down to that simple. I am really tired of the drama myself

[Chunky]

This is very hard. I have seen it go both ways. The parents stopped enabling and the kid got much worse to the point where they lost him. That had drugs involved.

I have also seen friends still propping their kids up in their 40's.

I think I would let him make it on his own for a while. I would not cut off contact or even act upset. I would just say fine, you are old enough to make up your decisions and live with the consequences. At 20 years old, you really aren't going to do much parenting at that point....at least as far as setting values and ethics.

When I was about ten I got mad and told my parents I was running away. My dad walked me to the door, gently pushed me out in the winter night, and said....have a great life son and send us a card at Christmas...and closed the door. About and hour later I was back with my tail between by legs and a better attitude.

[160class]

The partying and all that will slow down, if hes working a alot that will also help keep him out of trouble.

This is something he has to figure out for himself sadly, you can't keep bailing him out of the money situation because he will keep thinking its okay they will help me out. I'm not saying let him be homeless, if he gets kicked out of his place for not paying bills he can always move in back with the parents and lose that freedom he has had and maybe that will help him see that he needs to be better with his money so that he can have his own place and the freedom, especially if he wants to chase girls, not really cool to bring girls back to his parents place.

[160class]

This is very hard. I have seen it go both ways. The parents stopped enabling and the kid got much worse to the point where they lost him. That had drugs involved.

I have also seen friends still propping their kids up in their 40's.

I think I would let him make it on his own for a while. I would not cut off contact or even act upset. I would just say fine, you are old enough to make up your decisions and live with the consequences. At 20 years old, you really aren't going to do much parenting at that point....at least as far as setting values and ethics.

When I was about ten I got mad and told my parents I was running away. My dad walked me to the door, gently pushed me out in the winter night, and said....have a great life son and send us a card at Christmas...and closed the door. About and hour later I was back with my tail between by legs and a better attitude.

I also agree with the above, don't stop communication but don't make a big fuss of the ordeal either, just talk to him normally like you would when he lived under your roof

[CentexRancher]

Yea kid is 20, that seems to be what most of the people my age (21) like to do. It seems that the kids with the most strict parents are always the worst, not sure why, but thats just my experience. Ive never really had any rules growing up, dad has always just been 100% supportive however it was always known that I was "my own man and responsible for my decisions", which for some reason always kind of scared me. Ive had those buddies with those dads that are super hard on them, and they've talked to me about it, and it just makes things 10x harder for them.They think they just cant make the parents happy, but in reality its not the kid, its just the warped perception the kid has developed of themselves due to the parents. Not saying this is you, just saying dont be too hard on him. Cant speak for the partying, between A&M engineering/running a business/employees i dont even have time to think. Really the only way to fix this is to find what exactly he's good at/loves doing. You've known him long enough to know his skill set, embrace that, and get him going in that direction. If hes not the school type dont waste that money on him if he wont pursue it full force, instead invest in his skillset, trade school is always a good option too. I started my business based off nothing I have learned in school and have gone farther than I would have ever thought. However if you really cant connect with him at the moment and youve tried embracing him, its two options. 1) Military which he proably wont do, 2) let him hit rock bottom.

[castlegaphunter]

its hard to say without really being in the situation and knowing the small details. but I do know that being that young is a time for learning and some kids mature quicker than others. I was a wildcard at that age. partying and such was just apart of life at that age but if hes like anyone else hell snap out of it.