Me and the wife have been going through some rough times. The thought of separating has came up a few times. We have a 9 yr old daughter from her previous relationship and a 6.5 month old boy that is ours together. I love both kids very much but it seems like staying with her is just harder sometimes. For those that have separated how old were your kids and how did that affect your relationship with them? I just don't want my son to not know who is dad is even if he is still going to be a part of my life. I don't wanna be a part time dad but at the same time I don't wanna have my kids grow up in the same scenario that I did. It just seems either way is a loss and I don't wanna miss all the little things that go on when they're so young. My parents separated when I was a kid but we were a lot older when that happened.
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Do whatever you can to save your marriage for the kids sake. Its not all about mom and dad anymore once kids come into the picture. Have you tried counseling? -
Originally posted by Jackie Treehorn View Post
No but I would be willing to do that if that's what it takes.Comment
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My first wife left while she was pregnant with my son and filed for divorce. I did everything I could to be involved in as much as possible, but now that my current wife and I have a boy that will be 1 on the 30th, I am realizing that there is so much that I missed with my first son. The little things like coming home from work and hearing that belly laugh, playing ball with him in the floor, being there at 3am when he wakes up crying and having him fall back asleep on my chest, he took his first steps the other night and it was walking into my arms, chasing him around the house or watching his little personality develop..
I said that to say this, I missed out on a lot even though I did everything I could to be there everytime she would let me. Do everything you can to make your marriage work and be there for those kids at all times.
There was no cheating or abuse in my first marriage, she just decided she didnt want to be married anymore. Noone could change her mind, even her parents told her she was making a mistake. She wouldnt go to counseling, or even consider it when I mentioned it.Comment
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DON'T GIVE UP ON YOUR MARRIAGE! Get counseling or whatever it takes... My wife and I had a rough time when my son was about 6 months old. It happens when no one is getting sleep and both parents get stressed out... The D word was mentioned a few times. Almost the exact same situation you are in.
This is what I did that got us back on the right track.
1. I started praying
2. I made my wife my #1 priority.
3. I started pulling more than my weight around the house. I was working very hard.
4. I talked with her but would never let it turn into an argument.
5. I started showing her how much I loved her instead of telling her.
Looking back on that period in our marriage is weird. The thought that I could have lost my marriage back then makes me scratch my head. We are doing so well together now I can't imagine how it got that close to failing.
Keep fighting for your marriage. Fight long and fight hard. Because in the end that is what is best for your entire family...
If you ever need to talk please PM me because I went through that exact same situation.
ChadComment
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Your kids need & deserve you at your very best. At you at your best with her or without her?Comment
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A lot of people will have advice on how to get through it, including counseling and prayer. I wholeheartedly agree with counseling and prayer.
However, I will also say that some of the hardest parts of marriage have been when my wife was pregnant and during the first year of the baby's life. The sleepless nights, constant crying, diapers, hormones (wife's not mine), etc... make life very difficult. I would keep pushing through his period, pray more, try to be as unselfish as possible, recognize that this is a phase and it will pass, go to counseling and just try to get through it.
With both of my kids, there was about a two year period when I wondered if I would ever get the woman back that I married. Hormones and exhaustion were really rough on both of us.
In sum, pray, endure, go to counseling, be unselfish, and love your wife and kids.Comment
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Thanks for the advice. Good information and it makes sense what yal are saying about the baby and stress bills lack of sleep and all that I'm sure has a big part in it. I will look into it and hope she agrees to try it also. I just want my kids to have both parents ALL the time and not how I was raised. Of course get along with my wife also.Comment
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X million what everyone said it is just a phase. Your in the give foot and back rub stages and bring home flowers continuously. And house work.Comment
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Aaron look into Family Life's A Weekend To Remember! It saved my marriage and many others! Will be praying for you and your family!Comment
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100% disagree.Originally posted by Jackie Treehorn View Post
I came from a broken home where my parents tried to stay together for the kids. Ruined my life and still have problems because of it today. DO NOT STAY TOGETHER BECAUSE OF THE KIDS!!!!!
I have a close family member (28) who has been with her husband for ~11 years and married 10. Her husband is a habitual cheater and abuser. They have 2 beautiful daughters, who I adore, and just got the news they have another on the way. The kids see the way their dad treats their mom and are already showing signs of the effects of the seen abuse. How do you think that's gonna end up? Hint: it's a vicious circle that will continue until the trend is broken. Makes me sick.
Now, with that said, if the marriage is salvageable, by all means save it! Don't give up until you have tried everything. Good luck.Last edited by txjustin; 06-09-2015, 08:59 AM.Comment
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Write down the reasons you fell in love with her and look for other reasons to love her. focus on those good things and show her that you like those things about her.
Get counseling, too.Comment
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I agree with the thought of not staying ONLY for the kids. My parents divorced and it was best. I'm divorced and my 11 yo son will tell u it was the best for him. You don't want your kids to grow up thinking that disfunction/resentment or even lack of affection is a normal relationship. If divorce happens, it can be an opportunity to live the example you hope to see your kids live with the person that is right for you.
Separation is hard. I don't recommend that either. If you still love her, stay and get counseling. It works miracles. No kidding, it will improve your quality of life. But only if you're both there for the right reasons:each other. Not the kids. Of course the kids are the most important thing but it's much more complicated than that. Separation leads to distrust. You both will wonder where the other is when they aren't home or not answering. When it's your turn with the kids, you'll be wondering if she's getting alone time with another. It can be toxic. Stay and get outside help or get out.Comment
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i was divorced a couple years ago.
here's my matter of fact opinion...
1. no matter how much you guys say that you will remain cordial, etc, and not use the kids as pawns, it will happen. my wife and I had so many talks when we knew our marriage was over about not keeping the kids from each other, but once she hired a lawyer, and started talking to her friends, it was all thrown out the window. she tried to make me an "end of week" parent... I wasn't having that.
2. if you try to make it work, it can't be about the kids. it has to be about YOU AND YOUR WIFE. period. my counselor told me (during divorce I saw a counselor) that a marriage can't be based upon kids. you have to keep your marriage strong, because once the kids are gone, you're still with your spouse for the rest of your life.
3. divorce can be good or bad. mine was both. everything is good now, but there is still resentment for her trying to keep the kids from me.
4. it's expensive... be prepared. I paid nearly 50k fighting to stay in my kids' lives. I have them almost 50% now. and I pay a crap-ton of child support still.
5. even in divorce, you will ALWAYS deal with your ex-spouse... forever. graduations, marriages, birth of grandkids, etc. they will never be out of your life.
6. if it's just a rough patch, everyone goes through them. if there's no infidelity, etc, focus on why you married them, and rebuild that....Comment
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