Need HELP Mentoring a Troubled kid (Long Read)

[ElWhompo]

Years ago, I coached "J" on my son's youth baseball team. Our families became good friends over the years; bbq's at each others houses, served on the Board of Director's with the dad, coached 2 seasons with him, etc, etc, etc. J's homelife wasn't all that great due to troubles 'tween his mom & dad. Dad divorced mom for a new beaux about 2.5 yrs ago. J has proceeded to get into all manner of trouble ... stealin mom's car, smokin the dope, gettin into fight in school & out, arrested a few times, sent to juvie. Mom is at a loss what to do. Dad has nothin (zip, zilch, nada) to do with him. Dad's side of the fam has dis-owned him completely ... even sent back the Christmas presents he sent them last yr with a note stating he wasn't part of the fam & they wanted nuthin to do with him.

J is now 17. I talked to him this past Saturday at a Graduation party ... he has aspirations of being a "heavy" dealer. He claims to get jumped on a weekly basis, and has guys huntin him 'cos he owes money, stole dope, whatever. He claims he doesn't do it anymore, but he says he's packed a pistol before 'cos some dued wanted to shoot him & he felt the need to be prepared to shoot back. Claims to be in a gang for protection .... Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah.

I talked to him for about 2 hrs straight at the party. He told me that he hasn't been able to talk to anybody like he was talkin to me and expressed interest in talkin some more. I gave him my number & we're gettin together this wk for lunch on my day off.

Now ... my long winded question is "What Do I Do Now?" I've explained to him about the error of his ways, I've told him about some of the trouble I got in when I was younger & much rowdier & the negative effects later in life.

It goes without saying that he needs God, but it's not "cool" to be a Believer when yer a Gang Bangin, Dope Smokin, L'il Pimp (or whatever the cool slang is!) I worked a little religion into our talk on Sat & will continue, ... but what else? I'd love to get him into archery, I'd love to get him interested in huntin and the outdoors. Anything else? Any programs available for teens like this?

There's a great kid with alot of potential buried beneath all of this CR@P and any help gettin that kid out would be greatly appreciated.

Sorry for the long read, but I figured the best & most useful advice would come only if y'all understood the scope of what J is goin thru.

Thx

[Jim Bob]

Go talk to your pastor first. If the Pastor has no experience, find one that does. There are proven recipes that can help him see a new future but he will have to do if eventually for himself. The reason he talked to you and surprised himself is he felt love and caring. Now he needs more of that and a path out. Experienced pastors can help you with that path without being to "preachy" at first - you know - meet them were they are. Christ meet the sinful woman at the well - not in church.

Sorry to be so general but go to guys who have experience in the Word and fighting in the world.

Knee Mail sent...

[kfd82]

Good luck to you.
I think your points of working archery in and working in God/Religion slowly are keys here.

If you come on to strong to fast with religion he will turn away. (you will just be another guy who is "preachey")
If you can get him into archery, that may be a key to talking about God. I know I always feel close to God when I'm outdoors shooting, hunting, sitting in the stand.
Those are great times to think and ask questions. Be there for him to ask questions to. Maybe try to steer the conversation a certian way but let him push the gas and brake.

Good luck to both of you!

[Shane]

It sounds to me like you're already doing it, man. You're taking interest in him, caring about him enough to listen, talking about the need for a relationship with God (without being overly judgemental and running him off), spending time with him, looking for more ways to do all of the above......basically being a good friend and even a dad to him. Just add a lot of prayer and keep up the good work. If he's interested in hunting, then that would obviously be a great way to get away and have fun and talk. If he's not interested, then find something that he is interested in doing with you is all I'd know to try. And pray.

I'll pray for him and for you. Thanks for your example of doing right by a young man that really needs it.

[Devin]

Jim Bob gave some great advice. Get with a preacher or counselor experienced in this area. The base of your relationship is he needs to know you truly care about him. Let them help you build on that.

Thoughts and prayers for leadership for you and guidance for him. Kudo's on stepping up when needed.

[keep]

I wouldn't tell him what he did wrong, he knows that. If you do he will feel like you are preaching and that you feel that you are better than him. If you want to connect and let him know he did something wrong, explain that when you did the same thing he did this is what happened to me and how you fixed it and what you did to be a better person. That way you aren't pointing the finger and saying your bad but rather connecting with him in that you have gone what he went through. This will let him see it's not hopeless, if he sees you struggled when you were younger and turned out to be a great guy that is willing to help him. (kinada the been there done that and made it through)If everyone is just pointing out his faults from their pedistal (his view of it) he will feel like the situation is hopeless and he is worthless so why try to be a better person. I know if someone were badgering me I wouldn't come back.
I'm not saying you are pointing fingers or badgering, I'm know as a kid when someone did it to me I was tuned out and wouldn't go back.
Just my thoughts.

[Tommyh]

You're about to take on a new son when you do this, but he is going to have to get away from those "Friends" if he intends on getting away from that life. Someone is going to need to be his father, whether you, someone else, or his real dad, and show him the ropes the way a normal father/son relationship works. Basically, he's starving for the male figure in his life and is trying to find his own way through it.

[huntinfool]

I think the most important thing is to keep listening. Let him get it all out. That alone will be such a burden lifted off his chest he will be much more receptive to anything else. Your next best move is to get him away from where he is. He needs to just up and move, get away from the problem area. Then with some guidance from above and some outdoors he might make some better decisions.

Also I think he needs to know that EVERYONE (including his dad and that side of the family) is behind him and supports him.

[ElWhompo]

Great advice all. Thx.
Gonna email my Pastor tonite for advice as well & eventually get him involved in bringin J back to square ... plus (hopefully) a few trips to Double G.

[huntinfool]

Good luck and I'll add "J" to my prayers. With God's help he will get through this.

[mrgroundblind]

I heard a pastor say once that, "if you win the men, you win the war." We, as men who love the Lord and are called by His purpose have a great deal of responsibility. Whompo, Jesus says in Matthew that WE are the light of the world and as one does not light a lamp and put it under a bowl, we are to let our light shine before men so that they will see our good works and praise the Father.

I say that to say this, you ARE doing the right thing as others have said in just showing this kid love. He is starving for it. I would certainly seek out some wise council with this. Whether it is a pastor or not, whomever it is MUST walk closely with the Lord and needs to have some experience in dealing with and winning the war against the enemie's strongholds in the lives of troubled youth. I encourage and pray for you man. May God be glorified by your service to Him. Practical love and connection is what this kid needs. God will plant a seed in his heart through you...many blessings to both.

[Nate Riley]

That’s a tough situation and a great challenge for you. The wound caused by dad and the family is a wound that only Christ can heal and the need for a father can only be filled by the Heavenly Father. First and foremost, PRAY, that God will deal with him and begin convicting him for his need for a Savior and that God would give you wisdom and guidance in reaching out to him. Since you are a believer, I feel comfortable that you would agree that his biggest need is not to change his lifestyle, but to meet/experience Christ. After that takes place, the Lord will take care of cleaning him up (with your help I’m sure). Plus, as a practical matter, I think that harping on someone in this situation about their faults, only validates their rebellion and fills their need for attention.

I think you are doing the right thing by giving him your time and listening/talking with him. It sounds like he enjoyed it and that is what he needs. If he knows that you care about him, it should open the doors for you to share the Gospel with him. If you have not read the book Wild at Heart by John Eldridge, you might check it out. Besides being a great read, it will give you some insight into J’s situation (why he is acting the way he is and how to help meet his needs).

[mrgroundblind]

If you have not read the book Wild at Heart by John Eldridge, you might check it out. Besides being a great read, it will give you some insight into J’s situation (why he is acting the way he is and how to help meet his needs).

Agreed...it's a great read.

[jyoung]

To be honest, the only way to get him out of doing this bad stuff is for him to drop his so called friends, and I mean everyone. If you want to talk to someone with experience with this give me a call. If you feel emotionally tied to this youngster, then you may get hurt in the process as well, it is not easy for someone to change their ways, but he can do it, if he really wants to.

818-324-7080

[Blood Trail]

Sounds like this young man is a minority. First of all, good job for caring. As a former gang member myself, if it wasn't for someone caring about me, I'll be locked-up or dead. Secondly, the worst thing you can do is try to relate or sound "hip". I take it that you're a white male, which has no buisness talking slang. Be yourself, but most importantly, KEEP IT REAL. Don't BS no kids, as they can smell it before it drops. And there is nothing wrong with having one of your black friends (assuming that he's black) to have a heart to heart with him. I've helped a lot of my friends, co-workers, etc. out that way both white and black (I'm black, BTW).

Alot of what he's doing is acting out. Some of his stories could be stretching the truth some, but more importantly, there's some truth in them. Which in his case, is a bad deal. Good luck. Hope this helps. PM me if their is anything I can do.