Tips for an Ex-Con? **Long Read**

[neskora]

One of my cousins is finishing up a 270 day stay in government facilities today for abuse of a credit/debit card (he used a card he found to purchase ~$30, STUPID and he knows it). He's been in and out of trouble his whole life, but visiting him in jail, he really seems like he's "seen the light" so-to-speak, and he know he needs to get his life in order. He's gotten really in touch with his spiritual side, and he made use of some of his time by reading almost the whole Bible. I know this is a great first step, but I want to know what I can do to keep him from going back to his old ways. I know just being there for him as support is good, but probably not enough. Anybody got any tips on what I can do or anything to pass on to him to help him get on track to live life the right way from now on?

[Dr. D]

Take him hunting and fishing. Keep his idle hands busy

[SB09]

From life struggles I've seen it is really important to take the person out of the environment that causes trouble. For instance, old friends should stay old friends if they're associated with the troubling times your cousin has experienced. Those type of people always have a way to drag the person back down with them. I would recommend, if you're willing to, becoming a mentor. Introduce him to new friends and new experiences that are good clean fun. Show him there is another group of people that like to have fun without breaking laws, and can have just as much of a good time as he had with his old friends. You've just got to completely break the bond between old life and life the way he wants to live it. He's started on the right path, now you will need to guide him to where he needs to be.

[Hogman7290]

^^^^ This ,and a chalenging job to keep his mind busy and keep him interested with a chance of self improvement.

[Txjourneyman]

You can't do a thing to help unless he wants help. I'm an ex-con and I know. Until I got tired of living life the way I was I couldn't change. I had to want to become a different person. I had to want to change everything about who I was.
I am a much better person today than I was back then. I couldn't turn my life around without accepting God. I became a Christian and that meant I had to start living like one. That meant I had to start taking responsibility for myself and my actions. I had to start thinking about how my actions affected others too. I was an ******* during that time in my life. I didn't care about any one or anything but me. I don't miss the old Greg a bit.
It sounds like he is off to a good start but unless he desires to change his life and takes the action needed to do it your efforts will be for naught. Good luck. He is lucky to have someone like you in his life.

[DeadeyeDeb]

First and foremost you have to understand it has to be his choice. Just as an alcoholic must make the committment to quit, those that continually make poor choices need to make the committment. You can provide healthy alternatives to help with this, but, if he chooses a wrong path, you can not beat yourself up or take blame for that choice he made.
And as D said take him hunting and fishing!!!!!

[SB09]

You can't do a thing. I'm an ex-con and I know. Until I got tired of living life the way I was I couldn't change. I had to want to become a different person. I had to want to change everything about who I was.
I am a much better person today than I was back then. I couldn't turn my life around without accepting God. I became a Christian and that meant I had to start living like one. That meant I had to start taking responsibility for myself and my actions. I had to start thinking about how my actions affected others too. I was an ******* during that time in my life. I didn't care about any one or anything but me. I don't miss the old Greg a bit.
It sounds like he is off to a good start but unless he desires to change his life and takes the action needed to do it your efforts will be for naught. Good luck. He is lucky to have someone like you in his life.

This is very important as well. If he resists your attempts to help, he is not ready to change. Your cousin first has to make the decision he wants to change and accept your help. You cannot force someone to want to be something better.

I had an Aunt that was constantly in trouble for this or that. We picked her up multiple times from what we thought was rock bottom. We tried and tried to help her get back to the life she wanted to live. Things never worked until she was fully committed to changing. It took 8 years and multiple court days and jail sentences. But, when she finally decided the life she was living was not what she wanted for herself or family, she changed and hasn't looked back. It's been 4 or 5 years since she made the choice to do the right things. We will all be praying for your cousin to better himself, as well as you to help him get there.

[rebelmdb69]

I'm trying to figure it out as well with my brother. He didn't serve anytime but should have IMO he was charged with two felonies and had to do a deferred. But it seems like everytime it turns to the better he acts stupid again.

[Playa]

All really good advice.

This past winter, we hired 3 recent releases, all were living in a half way house ministry, all were vetted by the organizer of the half way house as his best 3 candidates. All 3 had discovered the "gospel" while being a guest of the state. I had in depth meaningful conversations with them.

2 of the 3 were dismissed and have found their way back into the system.

Its difficult. You do what you know, this is true of all of us. They literally have to learn to live a new and different life. Prison does not teach them this, its a sub society, not a rehabilitative environment (no matter what they say). Ironically most of these guys got back into trouble within a few days of being hired on full time. They do not know how to deal with success. One of them I know, has been so beat down his whole life that deep down inside he simply doesn't know how to handle success because he believes he does not deserve .

Having said all of that, you need to be available to him as a mentor, friend and confidant. Without that he will not learn to live life differently and he will do what he has always done and get the results he's always gotten.

[neskora]

Take him hunting and fishing. Keep his idle hands busy

This is definitely a plan. I'm going to try and get one of my old bows fitted for him, since he can't have a gun now.

From life struggles I've seen it is really important to take the person out of the environment that causes trouble. For instance, old friends should stay old friends if they're associated with the troubling times your cousin has experienced. Those type of people always have a way to drag the person back down with them. I would recommend, if you're willing to, becoming a mentor. Introduce him to new friends and new experiences that are good clean fun. Show him there is another group of people that like to have fun without breaking laws, and can have just as much of a good time as he had with his old friends. You've just got to completely break the bond between old life and life the way he wants to live it. He's started on the right path, now you will need to guide him to where he needs to be.

We're from a small town (2500 people) and the first thing he wants to do is get out of it, because of this. I was having this discussion with my mom, and we couldn't think of a single friend he has/had that would be beneficial to him now. I think right now, the plan is for him to get into a program in a nearby town (close enough for family to be there for him, far enough that he's not sucked back into his old habits) that is designed for people who get out to get back on their feet. They give them a job as well as a temporary place to live. I don't know a whole lot else about it, but it sounds like it will be good for him.

You can't do a thing to help unless he wants help. I'm an ex-con and I know. Until I got tired of living life the way I was I couldn't change. I had to want to become a different person. I had to want to change everything about who I was.
I am a much better person today than I was back then. I couldn't turn my life around without accepting God. I became a Christian and that meant I had to start living like one. That meant I had to start taking responsibility for myself and my actions. I had to start thinking about how my actions affected others too. I was an ******* during that time in my life. I didn't care about any one or anything but me. I don't miss the old Greg a bit.
It sounds like he is off to a good start but unless he desires to change his life and takes the action needed to do it your efforts will be for naught. Good luck. He is lucky to have someone like you in his life.

First and foremost you have to understand it has to be his choice. Just as an alcoholic must make the committment to quit, those that continually make poor choices need to make the committment. You can provide healthy alternatives to help with this, but, if he chooses a wrong path, you can not beat yourself up or take blame for that choice he made.
And as D said take him hunting and fishing!!!!!

I know this is the #1 thing. Right now, I know he wants to be a different person. I just hope he perseveres through those times when it seems like it's alot of work (which I can't help but assume there will be) to live the right way.

Thank you all for the suggestions. This was someone who I really looked up to growing up, and I just want him to have a chance to fulfill the potential that he has.

[dropem]

It's all up to him. My family did everything they could to try to keep me out of trouble and on the right path. Nothing is going to work unless he is truly ready to change.

[tvc184]

Take him hunting and fishing. Keep his idle hands busy

You can't do a thing to help unless he wants help. I'm an ex-con and I know. Until I got tired of living life the way I was I couldn't change. ....................

It is good to help and fishing or other such activities might show him that staying clean will lead to a more enjoyable life. The problem is that there will always be idle time. We can't fish and hunt 24 hours every day.

Like TXJM said though, until he is ready in his heart, nothing else will matter. I have spent three decades in law enforcement and have seen literally thousands of criminals and seen many "conversions". Most were only converted until the next temptation which might have been three days or three months later.

I have seen a few completely change but they seem to be few and far between. A good friend or relative that is willing to show a different way might lead to that true changing of a life and is admirable but ultimately, it is up to the person and all the love in the world won't change that.

[Fig]

When I was a probation officer, I had to meet with new intakes to my caseload. One of my first questions was always, "Are you through being a dumb***?" That usually threw them off and I could see their true reaction. If they replied affirmative, then I would say, "Then you need to change your people, places, and things in your life." That includes friends and family that they get in trouble with and the places they hang out.
He truly needs to commit to that and that also means finding another job away from negative influences, provided his last one would have hired him back.
If he does not have a job lined up, there is Project RIO, through the Texas Workforce Commission that assists in getting parolees back in the work force including placement, buying equipment (boots, tools, etc).
Good luck to your cousin, sir.

[josh3]

From life struggles I've seen it is really important to take the person out of the environment that causes trouble. For instance, old friends should stay old friends if they're associated with the troubling times your cousin has experienced. Those type of people always have a way to drag the person back down with them. I would recommend, if you're willing to, becoming a mentor. Introduce him to new friends and new experiences that are good clean fun. Show him there is another group of people that like to have fun without breaking laws, and can have just as much of a good time as he had with his old friends. You've just got to completely break the bond between old life and life the way he wants to live it. He's started on the right path, now you will need to guide him to where he needs to be.

X2

[Bowhunter1994]

Take him hunting and fishing. Keep his idle hands busy

This outta keep him outta trouble... AND increase his prey drive lol