I honestly never really knew what true love was before I had my son. Why am I writing this? I wanted to put it on paper as a way of letting some demons go.
I am the son of Randall and Ann. They met at the Dairy Queen in Abilene. My father was home from Vietnam and my mother was in college working at the Queen Part time. They hit it off and got married. My father had already been married once before and had a daughter from that marriage. My Father received orders for California shortly after they were wed. I was born there.
A year after I was born my Father received orders for Germany and once again the family moved. My sister was born in Germany. We lived there for 4 years. My Father was then ordered to Oklahoma, where my youngest sister was born. Things between my parents were not as good as they once were. It is here in Oklahoma that I have my earliest memories. Most of them are not good.
We lived in Oklahoma for 2 years until my Father received orders for Louisiana. Once again we packed up and moved. I had no idea how bad the relationship between my parents was until then. He was an abusive man. He stayed away from home on many an occasion and I would cry for him to come home. He did not. My parents split up. My mom joined the military and sent me to live with my Grandmother in Cleburne until she finished OCS and OBC. I saw neither parent for almost a year. When my Mother finished and came home, she was stationed at Ft. Polk like my Father. My Mother began dating a pilot.
Josh and my Mother moved fast and furious and soon became exclusive, despite not being divorced from my Father, who also had another life. We took a trip to Alabama for the summer and I woke up in a bed the next morning with James, my new Step Brother. I had two now, both older. Joseph I would not meet until we moved to our new home in New Llano, La. I thought that this would be a good thing, but that thought quickly went away. Josh had separate rules for my sisters and I and my Step Brothers would pick on me relentlessly. They went so far as to get kids from school to pick fights with me. I had a terrible run of it. I was ten years old and should have lived without a care, but my happiness was drained from me.
I tried to protect my sisters from the abuse, but I was not scrappy enough at that point and to be honest, I was intimidated. Josh was abusive verbally and physically. He did not take an interest in my life. I wanted to be in the Cub Scouts and enjoy things like a normal kid. He never took me to a single meeting. My Mother did a couple of times, but she was too busy. I went on a Cub/Dad weekend trip with my neighbor's Father. I spent much of that weekend by myself. I really have no memories before the age of 14. Josh and Ann were at odds with one another and they split up by the time I turned 13.
My Mother moved us to Austin and enlisted in the Reserves. I had not seen my real Father for several years. He did not pay child support or send cards or phone on our Birthdays. I began to have anger issues at this point and My Mother took us all to counseling. It did not do any good for me. I was angry 90% of the time. I began to get in fights at Martin Jr. High and got expelled three different times. My mom sent me to Christian school, but I got expelled there as well.
Josh came to visit us a couple of times and I refused to have anything to do with him. I still have scars on my back where he hit me with a curtain rod. At 15 I went to Pflugerville High school. The only man that had any influence on me was my Grandfather, and he passed away that same year. I was disinterested in my work and skipped school quite a bit. I hung out with some stoners and general misfits, but the truth is, I did not fit in with any group. I was seriously depressed and began to break into cars and get into some criminal activities. I told the Pflugerville Principal to F-off and walked out never to return.
I was arrested soon after and spent a year in Gardner Betts detention Center and Charter Lane. I wanted to fight or to kill myself. I finally got moved to a group home in Liberty Hill. I spent two years there and graduated High school in June, the summer after I turned 18. I was released and stayed with my Mother a few months before finding a place with a buddy. I drank heavily and really had nothing to do with my family. I resented My Mother for putting us through all of this crap. My Father, well, his name was mud.
I bounced around job after job and made no good friends. I would not let myself get too close. I did not trust love or friendship. I joined the military out of nothing better to do. It was a job, but I was still not happy. I went to college during these years and earned my degrees, but it did not make me happy. I had girlfriends, but they were just space holders. One bad relationship after another was all they were. The alcohol flowed to ease my pain and fill the void.
I always had a soft spot in my heart for kids though. I could relate to them, because I remembered how I felt back then and the things that I thought about. I left Fort Polk in 2000 and enlisted in the Texas Army National Guard. I got hired by Williamson County Juvenile services and began a new life. My relationship with my family did not change however. I enjoyed connecting with the kids and tried to make this my niche, but I was torn with too much. I left in 2003 and deployed as much as I could over the next several years.
I married in 2005 and some of the hate went away. My relationship was good, but I struggled to be the Man that I knew I had to be. The only examples I had were Josh and Randall. Neither of those were worth referring to. Brandy and I began to try for a family and had failed attempt after failed attempt.
She almost died in 2009 when she nearly bled to death from an ectopic pregnancy. I was depressed. I wanted a family, unlike the one that I had as a child. I wanted a real family. We were going to church and trying to keep our marriage together while helping one another through our struggles. We finally decided, after consulting with a doctor, that Invitro would be our only shot. I had some money in savings and we went for it. It started out slow, but we had two babies up until week 10, when we lost one of them. I was scared to death, because if you lose one you usually lose both. The second was safe for now. At 20 weeks Brandy began bleeding and I just knew this would be it.
Prayer and perseverance kept us strong, even though we were both hurting. My son, Axel was born in October 2010. I cried when I held him for the first time. I told him that I would always be there for him no matter what. I was a Father. I was not going to be just a father, but I was going to be His Father. We have been inseparable and I have grown as a man and as a person over the last two years. I still have some issues that I am working on, but my heart swells with pride for my family and for the chance to be for Axel what my Father and Step-Father could not be for me.
I never want to not be there for him. I never want him to cry for me as I did for my Father. I think that my heart has grown two sizes. I finally have the Love that I was looking for. I had to wait until I was 40 to have it, but I learned a ton along the way. I know that there are others out there who have experienced more hardship than me. I know that some of you have endured a tremendous amount of tragedy in your lives, but if you could stop for one moment and just look around you, I believe that you could find something to be thankful for and something that brings joy to your heart. That is what Love is. That is what being a man is all about.
How we handle adversity makes us who we are. I did not share some of the worst things in my life, but I believe that you get the point of my post. Don't ever go too fast to see the things that mean the most. Remember that others count on you and that you are the "Man" and that a man is the vessel of Love. No disrespect to you women, as being a Mother is a huge job, but a Man has to be there in mind, body, and spirit, for the Family Dynamic to work. I am doing my part now.
Anybody else want to share their testimony?
I am the son of Randall and Ann. They met at the Dairy Queen in Abilene. My father was home from Vietnam and my mother was in college working at the Queen Part time. They hit it off and got married. My father had already been married once before and had a daughter from that marriage. My Father received orders for California shortly after they were wed. I was born there.
A year after I was born my Father received orders for Germany and once again the family moved. My sister was born in Germany. We lived there for 4 years. My Father was then ordered to Oklahoma, where my youngest sister was born. Things between my parents were not as good as they once were. It is here in Oklahoma that I have my earliest memories. Most of them are not good.
We lived in Oklahoma for 2 years until my Father received orders for Louisiana. Once again we packed up and moved. I had no idea how bad the relationship between my parents was until then. He was an abusive man. He stayed away from home on many an occasion and I would cry for him to come home. He did not. My parents split up. My mom joined the military and sent me to live with my Grandmother in Cleburne until she finished OCS and OBC. I saw neither parent for almost a year. When my Mother finished and came home, she was stationed at Ft. Polk like my Father. My Mother began dating a pilot.
Josh and my Mother moved fast and furious and soon became exclusive, despite not being divorced from my Father, who also had another life. We took a trip to Alabama for the summer and I woke up in a bed the next morning with James, my new Step Brother. I had two now, both older. Joseph I would not meet until we moved to our new home in New Llano, La. I thought that this would be a good thing, but that thought quickly went away. Josh had separate rules for my sisters and I and my Step Brothers would pick on me relentlessly. They went so far as to get kids from school to pick fights with me. I had a terrible run of it. I was ten years old and should have lived without a care, but my happiness was drained from me.
I tried to protect my sisters from the abuse, but I was not scrappy enough at that point and to be honest, I was intimidated. Josh was abusive verbally and physically. He did not take an interest in my life. I wanted to be in the Cub Scouts and enjoy things like a normal kid. He never took me to a single meeting. My Mother did a couple of times, but she was too busy. I went on a Cub/Dad weekend trip with my neighbor's Father. I spent much of that weekend by myself. I really have no memories before the age of 14. Josh and Ann were at odds with one another and they split up by the time I turned 13.
My Mother moved us to Austin and enlisted in the Reserves. I had not seen my real Father for several years. He did not pay child support or send cards or phone on our Birthdays. I began to have anger issues at this point and My Mother took us all to counseling. It did not do any good for me. I was angry 90% of the time. I began to get in fights at Martin Jr. High and got expelled three different times. My mom sent me to Christian school, but I got expelled there as well.
Josh came to visit us a couple of times and I refused to have anything to do with him. I still have scars on my back where he hit me with a curtain rod. At 15 I went to Pflugerville High school. The only man that had any influence on me was my Grandfather, and he passed away that same year. I was disinterested in my work and skipped school quite a bit. I hung out with some stoners and general misfits, but the truth is, I did not fit in with any group. I was seriously depressed and began to break into cars and get into some criminal activities. I told the Pflugerville Principal to F-off and walked out never to return.
I was arrested soon after and spent a year in Gardner Betts detention Center and Charter Lane. I wanted to fight or to kill myself. I finally got moved to a group home in Liberty Hill. I spent two years there and graduated High school in June, the summer after I turned 18. I was released and stayed with my Mother a few months before finding a place with a buddy. I drank heavily and really had nothing to do with my family. I resented My Mother for putting us through all of this crap. My Father, well, his name was mud.
I bounced around job after job and made no good friends. I would not let myself get too close. I did not trust love or friendship. I joined the military out of nothing better to do. It was a job, but I was still not happy. I went to college during these years and earned my degrees, but it did not make me happy. I had girlfriends, but they were just space holders. One bad relationship after another was all they were. The alcohol flowed to ease my pain and fill the void.
I always had a soft spot in my heart for kids though. I could relate to them, because I remembered how I felt back then and the things that I thought about. I left Fort Polk in 2000 and enlisted in the Texas Army National Guard. I got hired by Williamson County Juvenile services and began a new life. My relationship with my family did not change however. I enjoyed connecting with the kids and tried to make this my niche, but I was torn with too much. I left in 2003 and deployed as much as I could over the next several years.
I married in 2005 and some of the hate went away. My relationship was good, but I struggled to be the Man that I knew I had to be. The only examples I had were Josh and Randall. Neither of those were worth referring to. Brandy and I began to try for a family and had failed attempt after failed attempt.
She almost died in 2009 when she nearly bled to death from an ectopic pregnancy. I was depressed. I wanted a family, unlike the one that I had as a child. I wanted a real family. We were going to church and trying to keep our marriage together while helping one another through our struggles. We finally decided, after consulting with a doctor, that Invitro would be our only shot. I had some money in savings and we went for it. It started out slow, but we had two babies up until week 10, when we lost one of them. I was scared to death, because if you lose one you usually lose both. The second was safe for now. At 20 weeks Brandy began bleeding and I just knew this would be it.
Prayer and perseverance kept us strong, even though we were both hurting. My son, Axel was born in October 2010. I cried when I held him for the first time. I told him that I would always be there for him no matter what. I was a Father. I was not going to be just a father, but I was going to be His Father. We have been inseparable and I have grown as a man and as a person over the last two years. I still have some issues that I am working on, but my heart swells with pride for my family and for the chance to be for Axel what my Father and Step-Father could not be for me.
I never want to not be there for him. I never want him to cry for me as I did for my Father. I think that my heart has grown two sizes. I finally have the Love that I was looking for. I had to wait until I was 40 to have it, but I learned a ton along the way. I know that there are others out there who have experienced more hardship than me. I know that some of you have endured a tremendous amount of tragedy in your lives, but if you could stop for one moment and just look around you, I believe that you could find something to be thankful for and something that brings joy to your heart. That is what Love is. That is what being a man is all about.
How we handle adversity makes us who we are. I did not share some of the worst things in my life, but I believe that you get the point of my post. Don't ever go too fast to see the things that mean the most. Remember that others count on you and that you are the "Man" and that a man is the vessel of Love. No disrespect to you women, as being a Mother is a huge job, but a Man has to be there in mind, body, and spirit, for the Family Dynamic to work. I am doing my part now.
Anybody else want to share their testimony?
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