Divorced Parents - kids raising show animals

[Banded Drake Calls]

For the parents here that are divorced and the kids raise show animals, how do you make it work when it's the child's time with the other parent? Do you just take up all the duties til the child is back or do you have an arrangement with the other parent?

My oldest boys wanted to do show pigs this year and we started out fine, but the more time goes by the less supportive the other party gets in this, and I'm struggling on how to handle the situation without putting the kids in the middle of a dispute between me and their mama. This is something they want to do, and I enjoy doing it with them. We basically have a 50/50 split on custody, we do a week on and week off. They only live about 15 minutes from us, but with the other party getting less and less supportive of it, it's getting harder to get them over during their week away to tend to them a few times for just a short amount of time. I won't get in to all the extra curricular activities she constantly signs them up for that we commit to getting them to on our time, but this one way road is getting really old, and I'm not sure if it's just best to quit with showing, or accept there is zero support from the other side and pick up the slack when they're gone.

Just seeing if anyone else here has been in this situation before and how you handled it.

[RWB]

Assume zero support and do what you got to do dad. Kids will remember what you demonstrate to them. Pick up the slack while they are gone as long as they show interest while they are with you. Today's pain in the butt of the daily dealing with show show animals will be a great memory in 15 years

[Low Fence]

Tough situation. RWB said it well though, being a parent is tough….. that’s why most people with kids are not one. Set an example what it’s like to serve others for nothing more than love for them


where is the pig “housed” your place or a neutral ground (school, ag barn)? If the ag barn is an option, would that make it anymore convenient? Or just less convenient for you and another bill to add on ?

[bowhntrmatt]

RWB said it best.

Have you tried to just talk to mom about it? Also make sure your kid is talking to mom about it. Ultimately, the animal is their project and their responsibility to make sure it gets taken care of, not either parent.

I think I would try to apply a little pressure, but ultimately if that is something you and your boys enjoy doing together, be prepared to just put in the lopsided effort.

[Russ81]

TWhere is the pig “housed” your place or a neutral ground (school, ag barn)? If the ag barn is an option, would that make it anymore convenient? Or just less convenient for you and another bill to add on ?

That can open a can of worms as I've known people hellbent on winning they'd even derail others in their own Ag barn. I agree with the asking the kids to ask Mom to drop by and check on the their projects, heck go run errands when they come by if that keeps the peace with her so they can work with the pigs. I can't stand the "stick" mentaility of some show parents doing all the work and kid walking them in. Hope ya'll can make her see it's helping the kids for y'all soon.

[mikebyrge]

Have you tried to just talk to mom about it?

My step-son raised goats when he was around middle-school age. (his dad's idea) It is going to take all parents (including steps) to make it work.

Our situation was about opposite of yours. Over time, the parent that wanted the animals became less and less involved and we took on most of the responsibility and the goats were 45 minutes away....

**Edit**
After reading my comments above I realized it sounds negative....was not intended that way at all and any time we (Wife and I) spent with the kids and their interests was good even if it was challenging and not our idea.

[flyinstroke]

I know exactly how you feel. I actually had it written in the final divorce papers that my ex had no say so over the ag projects. Now granted with that she is free and clear of all the expenses of it. But at the same time it is treated like every other UIL event the kids are involved in. They have to come and work the animals every afternoon, whether it be on my time of hers. There are days when I let the kids slide, but not very many. My oldest just bought and paid for his for truck with his money made from his ag projects. He wanted to do it. Since then he has become much more involved in the projects voluntarily. He now drives himself and brother to and from the barn. As far as the actual shows go I try and only do the shows that are on my time.

At the end of the day you will just have to do what you have to do to make sure the projects are cared for. The kids will see it. It took mine a little while but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Mine are 16 and 14, but I have been divorced for 3 years now. They see who does what, they may never say anything but they know.

[Banded Drake Calls]

I know exactly how you feel. I actually had it written in the final divorce papers that my ex had no say so over the ag projects. Now granted with that she is free and clear of all the expenses of it. But at the same time it is treated like every other UIL event the kids are involved in. They have to come and work the animals every afternoon, whether it be on my time of hers. There are days when I let the kids slide, but not very many. My oldest just bought and paid for his for truck with his money made from his ag projects. He wanted to do it. Since then he has become much more involved in the projects voluntarily. He now drives himself and brother to and from the barn. As far as the actual shows go I try and only do the shows that are on my time.

At the end of the day you will just have to do what you have to do to make sure the projects are cared for. The kids will see it. It took mine a little while but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Mine are 16 and 14, but I have been divorced for 3 years now. They see who does what, they may never say anything but they know.

In my heart I know what the right thing to do is. My ex and I for the most part co parent decently and I have always been supportive of their activities and make sure they get to every practice, every game, every meeting, every event they are signed up for. This is really the only project that the boys have been placed in that I am the one responsible for and leading them on, and she has always been spiteful when it comes to things that I do for them. Her support has become a lot less over the last few months and has been unnecessary creating tension between us.

Yesterday was kind of the last straw for me on having her involved with any of it and realizing i have a decision I need to make here. This week was very important for the boys to be involved in their projects and it's obvious that isn't going happen even though it was promised it would. My oldest son (14) decided to skip his duties to go watch his gf volleyball game and insisted he needed to stay til the end to tell her good job. While I'm disappointed in his decision, it's hard to place the blame on him when his mother is the one who supported that decision, and because it's her time, she ties my hands on it.

I don't want to take this project away from them, they enjoy it and are learning a lot, and it opens up a lot of opportunities for them. I need to have a serious conversation with my oldest, and hopefully help him to understand the responsibility without causing issues in mine and his relationship. For now my wife and I are accepting the lack of support and will pick up more of the duties until the boys come back over next weekend.

[Death from Above]

Bacon…it’s what’s for dinner.

as a teen that raised all manner of livestock, understanding there were no off days on a ranch was the best lesson i learned. My animals didn’t eat or drink unless I did it.

learned some good responsibility early on…raising solid young men is tough.

[flyinstroke]

In my heart I know what the right thing to do is. My ex and I for the most part co parent decently and I have always been supportive of their activities and make sure they get to every practice, every game, every meeting, every event they are signed up for. This is really the only project that the boys have been placed in that I am the one responsible for and leading them on, and she has always been spiteful when it comes to things that I do for them. Her support has become a lot less over the last few months and has been unnecessary creating tension between us.

Yesterday was kind of the last straw for me on having her involved with any of it and realizing i have a decision I need to make here. This week was very important for the boys to be involved in their projects and it's obvious that isn't going happen even though it was promised it would. My oldest son (14) decided to skip his duties to go watch his gf volleyball game and insisted he needed to stay til the end to tell her good job. While I'm disappointed in his decision, it's hard to place the blame on him when his mother is the one who supported that decision, and because it's her time, she ties my hands on it.

I don't want to take this project away from them, they enjoy it and are learning a lot, and it opens up a lot of opportunities for them. I need to have a serious conversation with my oldest, and hopefully help him to understand the responsibility without causing issues in mine and his relationship. For now my wife and I are accepting the lack of support and will pick up more of the duties until the boys come back over next weekend.

I also have a unique situation. Before the oldest could drive I would pick up both kids from school everyday. I can work remotely if need be and my boss was very willing to work with me on that. Until sports took over after school I had them every afternoon at the barn until 6 when she got home. That helped me tremendously. I think its a good idea to have a sit down talk with the oldest. He needs to understand the responsibility that goes with the projects. Make sure he understands that he also stands to profit from it. Not only monetarily, but in the lessons learned along the way. Just be as patient as you can and make sure the animals are tended to until he can get back at it. I understand the tension between the myself and the ex. It got to a point last year where I told both boys I would sell everything they had animal wise and shut the barn down if they weren't willing to put in the work. Since then they have been pretty good about getting things done and not complaining. I wish I could say its gets easier, but it doesn't. In my case the boys finally realized why they were doing it and things kind of corrected themselves. That made the ex even madder when she realized they WANTED to do the work and actually enjoyed it. Hang in there and just be there for the kids. At the end of the day thats all you can do.

[friscopaint]

I was somewhat lucky, even though I didn't harbor any good feelings for my ex we were both very flexible. I work in FD so not a normal schedule and if I was planning on keeping kids and needed to work OT or something I would ask her if she was available and we would work around it. Granted I carried the lions share of the financial burden on stuff but it was peaceful.......hopefully all will work out. Now that both are out of college hopefully only see her at weddings since she dragged me back from Utah and now she's moved back there.....Best of luck and like others have said even if it's not fair do the best you can for the kids. Being a divorced parent can be a lonely place feeling like you are the lone survivor on an island but you aren't there are a bunch of us that have been on that island......oh, and lot's of parents, and grandparents, I know complain about the kids and their animals, may buddy and his wife get stuck with grandkids calves pretty regular luckily I've never been through that, cheerleading was bad enough